What does it mean?!?!?

This posting is one of reminiscence. It took place when I was 14, a Form 2 student in St. Michael's Institution in Ipoh. We had a change of class teacher midway through the year and among the subjects she taught was English. In a government school it isn't difficult to be a star student in English given the ridiculously low standard of the subject taught.

Well, our new teacher, Mrs. Samuel was still early in her tenure as a SMI teacher and like most new teachers would have liked to learn that the class she had was a good class and not full of trouble makers. She was having us for English one fine day and I killed two birds with one stone while appearing completely innocent.

We were doing words ending with 'graphy' and already on the board were words like geography and photography. I could have been a smartass and given her 'cinematography' but felt like being quiet that day. Enter Lum Kai Hoong, my classmate, eager beaver to make a good impression on our new teacher. He asked me for a word and I gave him one. He shot his hand into the air and waited expectantly. Mrs Samuel turned a happy (class had been going well) benevolent eye on him and asked him what his word was. He shot to his feet gave her a winning smile and almost shouted out "pornography!!!". Of course being Malaysian, he pronounced it "Porno-Grafee".

That's when Mrs Samuel's smile became fixed.

Once he'd noticed, his smile became rather fixed as well. In the stunned (and also puzzled) silence of the class I had great difficulty smothering what was a quiet chuckle threatening to turn into loud gaffaws.

Still wearing the fixed smile Mrs Samuel turned away and asked if anyone else had a word ending in 'graphy'. Kai Hoong sat slowly down, his face a picture and was silent for about 2 seconds. Naturally he noticed 'his' word wasn't added to the words already written on the blackboard. After the 2 seconds had lasped, he turned on me in complete panic demanding to know what the word meant.

It was 19 years ago.

I still laugh about it every few years or so. I'm sharing it with you now.

Applause Please

Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?

A: Because he couldn't get his knob out of the chicken.



And eventually, the chicken died there from old age.

Thank you.

Ooopsss....

I just found out from my mum (10 minutes ago) that my dad reads my blog once in a while.

Oops.

Here's my reaction. More or less. I'm sure I looked something like this.



Crap.

Especially since I've been so eloquent and articulate in postings.

For the record, I didn't learn any bad language from home.

And used to get smacked around the head for it too.

Meow!

I watched again on Animal Planet the '10 Deadliest Sharks' yesterday night. The first time I saw the program a couple of years ago I was pretty pleased with myself for being able to name the top 3 most dangerous sharks correctly. I do know the Bull Shark is a heck of a lot more dangerous than the legendary White Pointer (Great White Shark). The Tiger Shark was third on the list by the way.

Since young I have been fascinated by sharks. They interest me but they also scare the bejeezuz out of me. Which is a rather strange phobia considering I hardly ever put myself in a position where I am in any danger of having my ass chewed on. I did use to swim at beaches in Australia where there were either sharks sighted or an actual shark/human encounter. But you can bet I was never far out at any given time. At this one beach a white pointer bit a two man canoe in half. It crunched the bit of the canoe that is behind the front person's bum and in front of the rear person's feet. How lucky those two blokes in the canoe were needn't be considered. Extremely lucky I would say. They of course ended up in the water and I'm very sure made for shore at a speed that even Ian Thorpe couldn't match. The guy who was at the back no doubt screaming at the other guy, "Just swim ya bastard!!!!" The guy who was in front screaming back, "What the fuck happened mate?"

I was taken to see Jaws 2 at the cinema by my parents when I was about 5 or 6. It left severe psychological scars on me. Yeah mum, if you're reading this, now you know! For a while I was frightened of the bathtub as well. Steven Spielberg has a lot to answer for. At least Peter Benchley did a rethink and set about shark conservation and awareness. For years I thought you could never be safe in the water with a great white without the shark cage. For years I thought sharks (especially the great white) were vicious indiscriminate eating machines. They'd attack (and eat) anything in the water with them. The actuality is is that you're safer in the water with a great white shark than you are in the jungle with a tiger. Of course I wouldn't recommend either situation to anybody.

What it is in reality is my fear of the unknown. In the water especially in deep water, you have no idea what is below you. In water I am out of my element. There is no way water is any persons' natural environment. I have a fear of drowning as well.

But I love the sea. It fascinates me. I love the beach. I went nearly everyday in summer while I was in Perth. It also scares me silly. I'm a person who requires familiarity. Slung into a strange unfamiliar environment and I need adjustment time.

So.

Treading water and my feet can't touch the bottom. No idea what's under me. It's a million to one but what if I just happened to be really really unlucky that one time? Fuck that. I don't want to chance it. I'm a pussy.

Yeah. I said it.

I'm a pussy. I live, breathe and eat pussy.

Two Handed Typing

Out of the sling and into a wrist support.
Lucky for me I wasn't wearing the rings you can see in the background.
My fingers swelled as well and looked like sausages at the worst of it.

Ah.... back to typing with both hands. It's a good thing being able to have use, though not complete, of my right hand again. I can drive once more (I drive a car with a manual transmission), brush my teeth, write and sign my name. It's not such a bad thing then that while I'm right handed, I mine for boogers with my left hand. Been like that since I were a kid! Hahahaha!

My new house is coming along nicely. I had the lights installed and my bathroom done up today. I have changed all the original lights at the house. I've had a closer look at them since and they're just plain butt ugly. The green wall lights have silver hearts all around the edges and the other ones have pink plastic balls sticking out. I'd bought new lights but I also brought ten lights from my current house to be installed in the new house. So yes, after they were taken out, I had to have them replaced with the butt ugly lights. It ain't pretty....

It should be well worth it though. While I was looking over the new house which finally has lights, I'd look at the familiar things and feel like this is really home. Even before I've moved. I'm very sure that once I'd settled in, I'd get used to the place and feel 'at home' which was what happened with my current house. Having familiar things at the new house though has really accelerated the feeling of belonging. I have the same porch and garage lights to welcome me home. Believe you me that that is extremely important to me. My living room lights are also from my current house. My bedroom has my old (and familiar) ceiling fan.

So yeh.... it's all good. I just have to put up with some butt ugly lights till I finally move for real.

One Handed Typing

I'm typing one handed.

For all the wrong reasons.

I played footy today and got taken out from behind. My ankle's fucked. That much I knew. Only later I realised my wrist had begun to swell and hurt. Another bunch of hours later and I've spent RM250 on x-rays, painkillers and doctor fees.

Dammit.

So yeh, I'm typing one handed. It's taking forever to type this down. Can't play footy, can't play golf.

Dammit.

Get it right dammit!

I was watching The Top Corner with Dez Corkhill on TV the other day and I was pretty appalled. The Top Corner is a program for our regional football. Whatever the case, however well the show is produced there is a glaring problem with it. The Top Corner is not exclusive to this problem. All these idiot presenters, no matter how good they are, cannot pronounce the names of our teams and places.

This has been a pet hate of mine ever since Sepang became a fixture on the F1 and MotoGP circuit. Not a single bloody foreign host or presenter has ever been able to pronounce 'Sepang' and 'Kuala Lumpur' properly. It's not that they can't. They just can't fucking be bothered. They can sure get names like Le Mans, Jerez, Spa-Francorchamps and Paul Ricard right though. Why? I'm pretty willing to bet you they've heard 'Sepang' being pronounced by the locals but I'll also bet you they don't fucking care. The Sepang circuit is good enough to be on the F1 calender. Year after year. Give it some respect for fuck's sake. It's not a hard thing to say right. It gets right on my tits this does.

What is this? Western superiority?

They know it's pronounced differently but they think they should pronounce it the kwailo way?

Goddam dumb Asians not worth the trouble?

Which brings me back to Dez Corkhill and those of his ilk. Foreign presenters working in our region on TV shows for our region. I cringed everytime Dez mentioned Selangor and Pahang. I was so impressed he got 'Perlis' right. The ones he got right on the money were MPPJ and DPMM. Wow. I'd bet he'd have no trouble with Public Bank either. If the team still was in the league that is. I have no hope for him when it comes to Perak though. Well done Dez!

Of course Dez isn't guilty by himself. The chick on channel 82. She that sits next to Andy Penders. Blonde, tits, cleavage, English, from Sheffield probably [10/1 - Charlie Webster]. She once mentioned Selangor. Didn't do much better than our Dez. Our channels are full of kwailos. Why?

I'll tell you why.

Local presenters. They'll get the pronunciation spot on. Don't worry about that. So why aren't there more locals (people from our region) on TV? They all shite that's why. We don't have an Andrew Leci or John Dykes. In about 5 to 10 years I have hope for locals presenters doing a good job. We might have our own Adnand Lassi and Johan Daik. Yeah, I'm having a laugh. Forget the current crop. For now any aspiring talent who wants to be on TV will have to see how it is done, how it should be done. I just hope they don't pick up the pronunciation as well.

Reality sets in

Fuck.

I'm going to be 33 this year. I don't know why but it sounds so much older than 32. Thirty one, thirty two, who cares? Thirty three? I'd better hang on to the next 6 months for dear life!

33.... Fuck!!!!

Things too do before 30. 3 years too late.

Well apparently the following list contains 10 things to do before you hit 30. Well, heck. I'm 32 already. Regardless I am going to dissect the list.

1. Watch a movie in a cinema alone

Heck. I've done this. Even before 20.

2. Bungee Jumping

I haven't done this. I won't do it either unless it can be done in a picturesque natural location. If I die at least the view was good. I'm not jumping off scaffolding with a platform into a swimming pool.

3. Buy your own house / apartment

Well.... Technically, I do own my house. I just didn't pay for it.

4. Adopt a pet

I don't regard fish as pets. That discounts my aquariums. I had a hamster once. One of those mini furry Russian hamsters. Jumpy and nervous things they are. They bite too and don't like to be handled. My days of being a pet owner ended with my briefcase crushing the poor thing to an evenly half centimeter thick hamster after it escaped from its cage. I've not bought another one since. Too traumatised.

5. Visit Europe

This is for bastards with money. I don't have money.

6. Rent old videos and watch it with your girlfriend.

The only reason why I started rented videos was because I got chicken pox. And she got it after me. A lot of videos got rented. A lot of old ones too.

7. Do charity work.

Nope. I can't even look after myself. Donations don't count.

8. Splurge yourself one whole day in Spa

Nah. Not for me.

9. Tell your high school crush of your feelings back then

Done. Before I was 30 too with a good number of years to spare.

10. Cut your hair really short or shave it bald ?

I think I'll forgo the egg head jokes.

Happy New Year!

Hullo! HAPPY NEW YEAR one and all!

The year past flew by towards the end of the year for me. As it usually does I guess for anyone and everyone. I didn't make any conscious effort to have a new start to the year. I suspect I will be the same as always. No life altering new year resolutions made. I will however resolve to take care of my new home. It's a lucky thing I suppose that I have my current house to make all the mistakes with and move on to a new house. The biggest crime being the accumulation of junk! I have no idea why, but when I got home today the first thing I did was to clean the front of my house and wash my golf clubs. New house to move to in a month's time and I swear I will break 100 in golf this year!

Good 2007 to everyone. May you get to cross your t's and dot your i's!