Ich bin ein Berliner!

I've been in contact with someone in Germany for work related stuff over a fortnight or so, corresponding through email. I had thought that der Germans I had been schpeaking with schpoken der gud Engerlander. I think in the end what it was is that the person I had been emailing either had a translator or BCC'ed the email to schomeone who don't schpoken the Engerlander. Probably the boss.

I got this in the email:

"Ich bin vom 16.07. bis 06.08. nicht im Hause. Ihre mails werden in meiner Abwesenheit an Frau Barbara Brust weitergeleitet, Tel. 0049(961) xx xxxx.
Mit freundlichen Grüßen"

For fun and laughter I put it through Babelfish's translator. I got this:

"I am from 16.07. to 06.08. not in the house. Their mails are passed on in my absence at Mrs. Barbara Chest, Tel. 0049(961) xx xxxx.
Yours sincerely,"

Babelfish is so renowned for amusing translations that it's already an internet meme. It's kinda like listening to a Mexican dude fresh across the border without a passport who's trying to convince a cop that his passport está en el país and he can't produce it anyway because el perro lo comió. As funny and as famous as Yoda Speak.

I know for a fact that the proper translation of the german bits of my email is this:

"I'm out of the office from 16 July to 6 August. Your mails will be passed on to my collegue Barbara Brust, Tel. 0049 961 xx xxxx.
Kind regards,"

I wonder what it would be to go through like being called Salmah Buahdada, Monique Seins, Britney Boobs or Jessica Tits. Because that's what tits are in der deutsch. Brüste. I'll put it in bold it as well. Brüste. Why? Cos I absolutely love the upper ventral region of a female human being's upper torso. I should write back double schnell and tell them I'd like to get acquainted with Mrs. Barbara's deutschlander brüsties. Why should just my emails have all the fun?

Making fun of der Germans is so English. Well, not really. If I'd been English I'd be taking the piss out of zee french as well. What it is, is a little yellow man taking the piss out of the whities. Maybe that's why we're yellow. We've been pissed on by the white dudes since the French have had prostitutes. And that mon amis, is a loooong ass time.

On a separate note, I think I've been reading too many books from the Dune series by Frank Herbert. In a meeting I asked for confirmation that in Europe, they actually shut down offices and factories to go off on summer holidays. Kinda like summer school break. Hello? What I'm trying to tell you people is that ve need to Achtung Baby! I know about der summer holidays. Ve don't have any more fucking time to get things done especially if we're relying on people over in Europe to move things along as well. Ve need to fucking schnell! schnell!! schnell!!! Of course no one got it. Everyone Sing! Aaaaalllll is caaaaaaalm!!!! Aaaaalllll is briiiiiightttt!!!! I must be the only Dune reader in the room. Look for hidden meanings and messages people! It can't get any clearer than a hidden message!

But nooooo.... Everyone's going la la laa.... la la laa.... we're going to fuck up and when we fuck up, we're all going to blame YOU! HAHAHAHA!!!! Which is why I wasn't given neither employment papers nor a contract. So they don't have to fire me. They can just tell me to pack up my stupid little laptop and my stupid little Tigger coffee cup and fuck off.

Well, not really. I'm just slagging off anyone and everyone because I can, that's all. A little artistic license.

Europeans must really like their summer holidays. You won't find any factories shutting down over here in Asia for any season. Well, maybe the monsoon season, if it rains hard enough to flood the factories. Anyway, whatever. If we shut down for holidays over here, the Americanos wouldn't get their Nikes would they?

Damn. All I needed was a good night sleep. More bounce per ounce! Hoo hoo hoo hooooo!

D-uh?

A few things have been bugging me lately in relation to this blog. The first is that I hadn't been updating my blog anything like the frequency which I used to. The second is that when I did post new material, it seemed like the brainless space-filler stuff. The third and the one that bugged me the most is that it appears that I've lost my blogger edge and creativity.

Gone. No more. Screwed. Au revoir. Nada. Nothing. Koyak. Auf Wiedersehen baby!

Hasta la vista?

Quite a few times I clicked on 'New Post' and just sat staring at the blank field wondering what to do about it. I absolutely love it when my fingers can't keep up with the output when my mind and feelings are in full flow. As I've said before, written words are my liberation. Recently, after a few minutes staring at the screen, I end up clicking on the little red X in the top right corner to kill the window. I had nothing.

And I have no idea why.

Kinda like now. I'm missing something. I don't know what it is.

Uh.... D-uh....

Shine

I got this gem of a thing separately from two of my favourite bloggers, Nick and Bobo.



Got it weeks ago and I just sat on it since when I'm supposed to award it out myself. It's like a blog tagging. I didn't at the time for a number of reasons, some of them quite selfish of course.

I was very pleased to get this from two bloggers whose own blogs I enjoy very much. In the very first post of Brain Spillage I had written something along the lines of 'If I have, through my writings, been the catalyst of an emotion, thought and or opinion, bad or good, I will be pleased.' I somehow would like to believe that Nick and Bobo thought I actually deserved the accolade of a thinking blogger award.

I didn't want to award it back out straight away for a number of reasons.

I didn't want to dilute the award further at the time. A pure 100% selfish reason of course. Silly if you think about it since it's theoretically growing exponentially every time it's awarded. Another reason is that I would have given it straight back to Nick and to Bobo. I didn't want it to seem like I was giving them the award just because they had given it to me. Though if you were familiar with their blogs, you'd agree that they do indeed deserve it.

Another reason is that I was a little thrown by how Nick and Bobo described me (through my blog). It made me realise that the personality I imply through my blog is not quite close to what I am really like. The foundation is there but the reality of it is that my personality is quite the opposite. In person I am really quiet, reserved, self conscious and lacking in confidence. Written words free my inhibitions. I write a lot better than I can express myself speaking. So naturally, blogworld is the natural environment for my thoughts, feelings and expressions.

I been a bit blank recently. Which is why I've been having a blog slump.

I would award the Thinking Blogger Award to the following bloggers:

1. Nick Phillips - Which is strange only in the sense that why I started reading his blog was a picture of a scissors drawn by a child which looked like a penis. Uh, the drawing, not the child. Since that one picture I have become a fan of his blog. I like the way he writes and expresses himself. It's very human. I've also watched as his blog grew and increased in popularity. And deservedly so, I'd say.

2. Bobo - Unusual in the sense that the blog is written entirely in the third person. Kinda like the Jimmy character in a Seinfeld episode. She writes well and what I also like about Bobo's blog is the unpredictability factor. I never know what she's going to write about next.

3. Barbsie Loaded - Thinks too much and doesn't think enough. Will make YOU think. She'll think the award is ironic and I'll probably get my testicles squeezed for this.

4. Little*Wonder.Net - Brenda's only 20 but apparently already left her teenage years far behind. I very much like the way she writes specifically that Spelling Check has nothing on her.

5. AwesomeZara - The definition of candor.

I know my descriptions are lacking and for the want of a better effort so I do apologise to the five bloggers. I didn't think I needed to emphasize the thinking bit. That's what the award's for.

Loaf

Here's a little known fact. Perhaps not so much not widely known but more on the lines of - I can't believe you (of all people) can do this, know how to do this and have done this.

I can,

I know how to, and

I have many times,

(1.) Changed, (2.) Put on and/or removed, and; (3.) Properly disposed of: Diapers.

Single and never married I might be. But the water of the River of Life's Experiences just keeps on flowing under my bridge.

Naturally me being me, I call a disposable diaper, a 'loaf' (despite it actually looking like a slice) and hit the kid on the head with it before the enloafing.

However! I've had to - but will never get used to - change shitty diapers. I'll only do it if there is absolutely no choice and no one else!

Burn Baby Burn

I still got nuthin'. No inspiration whatsoever. Blogger burnout!

I had nuthin'

Yeh, I know I've been neglecting the blog. I just hadn't had any earth shattering revelations of late. Rather than subject readers to more pictures from someone else's website without anything to read I sat on my fingers and henceforth no posts for a bunch of days.

It's no different. I don't really have the writing juices going still. Blog slump I think.

I did have a good weekend though. Went to the golf sale. Finally bought a new cap to replace my wrecked old one. You'd be amazed what sun and sweat can do to a cap over a year considering I only wear it when I play golf. I also had time with my little family. I went to see my buddy Joe play with his band at the Ol' Skool Bistro. That was cool. I really enjoyed the show. Had beer after beer and went through two police blocks which mercifully were on the other side of the road from where I was going. Joe and I even re-enacted an old tradition where we sat down somewhere public with a Ramly burger and a fizzy drink and talked shop. That was Saturday.

I slept in on Sunday. It was great. Played my footy which is the highlight of my Sundays. I think I could be one of the few guys who actually tell new girlfriends that first and foremost - I play footy on certain days and nothing will stop me from doing so. That said, the non-footy bits of Sunday was good too.

Monday - here I am back at work where my iPod keeps me sane. I'm waiting for Wednesday. I play footy Wednesday.

Why I'm Still Single

Guilty pleasure

It's been a long time since someone took me out on company expense. It's one of the drawbacks of working for yourself i.e. it doesn't happen. I've been treated to meals (and damn good ones too) in my capacity as a Property Manager but it's not the same as employees of a company taking me, as the employee of another company, out on expense.

I can understand building good will but it doesn't stop me from feeling it's all a bit unnecessary. It felt a bit more like a bribe. And I had to shake off a bit of guilt. We went to the most expensive place near my office. For those of you who'd know - corner, air-conditioned, seems to cater to the company expense type lunch. And it's the best meal I've ever had since starting work here. Fish, venison and veg. Waitress standing by the table waiting on us.

That's worth the guilt I'm sure.

Gobble Gobble Gobble

First cigarette in 17 hours.

It tasted foul.

Chillin the turkey

Slowly. But slowly. It's nearly 3pm. I ran out of cigarettes last night.

I wonder how bad the cravings can get.

This is not an attempt to quit. This is drawing it out.

If I can stop or severely reduce smoking at the habitual and ritual times.

1. Waking up.
2. After meals.
3. Stuck in a jam.
4. After footy.
5. Every few holes on the golf course.
6. At the clubs.
7. Being around friends smokin'.
8. Blogging about smoking.
9. Before going to sleep.

It will signify at least a hint of discipline.

Then I can quit. Right now I shall alleviate withdrawal cravings.