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Somehow, I recently remembered (vaguely I have to admit) I had something called a blog. Somewhere in the back of my mind resided the necessary information and it needed a catalyst. Two in fact. They are called Jeremy Clarkson and Bill Bryson.

They both write. I suppose no one should be surprised about that. However in respect to both men, they are alike like chalk and cheese.

I have been familiar with Clarkson for quite a while now. I had watched some BBC Top Gear shows taped in jolly old Blighty by my uncle who resides there. He also wrote a column for a car magazine. Clarkson is balls out, unashamedly anti conformist and a petrol head. He loves machinery that do quite anti social things. Zero to hundred in less time it takes for Paris Hilton to flash a tit or two. Top speed in excess of 2000% the legal speed limit. That kind of macho (and totally uncessary thing) gets his knickers wet with excitement. Don't forget he's the guy that bought a brand new Perodua Kelisa, drove it off the car lot and took a sledgehammer to it in full view of the dealership. It ended with the demise of the unfortuntate Kelisa by a good amount of explosives.

Mind you, I laughed. You yourself can watch it on youtube. But that's because I'm familiar with the chest beating apeman that is Clarkson. The Kelisa was accused of being devoid of character and manufactured for the sole purpose of profit for the manufacturer.

Excuse me. But isn't that the exact fucking point?

The absolute intention for a business, any business, from car manufacturer to your aunt Sally's curry mee stall is to make profit and as much of it as possible. More importantly I think, is that most people need to have the option of a cheap car to get from A to B (and hopefully back again) and also an easy car to drive. Character in a car means the back end's likely to overtake the front end if you get it slighty wrong. Clarkson can spout about his Farraris, Porsches, Lamborghinis, Saleens and whatnot. Only 0.1% of the world's population can actually afford and want to buy such montrosities of engineering. A road car that is capable of 320km/h is like having an industrial sized incinerator in your home. Walk the 10meters to the garbage can you lazy bastard. It's free. A car that does 320km/h uses the GDP of a small country to move that same amount of distance too.

Once, I was fully on Clarkson's side and wholeheartedly agreed with his viewpoint but that was almost 20 years ago. Back then I was a teenager suffering raging hormones, rebelliousness and zits.

So Clarkson can celebrate his Need for Speed. It's okay. It's his right. I however think Clarkson is anti-conformist and anti-social for the mere sake of being so. You can tell of the obvious guilt the man feels from the occasionally self-depracating remarks he makes.

But. I genuinely enjoyed his writings and still do. Even if I think the man's a cerebral menace, I have to admit he writes it well.

Bryson on the other hand, I simply love. An American who opened one eye and learnt how American America is. That's not a compliment actually. Bryson is an American who travelled to England to have a look see in his youth and didn't leave. He did eventually return to the YOO EHS AY but by then with a wife and four children in tow. By then Bryson pretty much grasped half of what the rest of the world do. The YOO EHS AY are a planet all on their own. I find white people adorably stereotypical be they Australian, American or British but the Americans have to take the cake in the Being White Stakes. I'd explain but my brain will probably not be able to take strain right now. It's nearly 4 in the morning. I guess have a long nap after lunch isn't a good idea.

Regardless of which and although it is stereotypical I will say that all white countries are inherently racist. The British because they used to rule us and now the the empire days are over, long for the past. The Australians because they feel threatened by us (look at an atlas sometime, mate); and The Americans because they are simply, arrogant (and delightfully unaware of this) and quite likely the new global Aryan.

Which brings me to my next bit of bitching. Es Pee Gees. I fucking hate SPGs. Not for the obvious reason which is since they only put out for white boys, we get less pussy. No no no. It makes no difference to me now anyway, not being single. Not at all. I hate them because there is no forgiveness for gross, irresponsible and blatant stupidity. One fine day, it might do them good to look up these lines:

1. Me so horny.

2. Fucky sucky, 10 doh-lar.

3. Me love you long time.

White boys love you bitches because you lot throw yourselves legs spread akimbo at them all the time. And us local boys couldn't give you the time of day because:

1. We can't stand your goddamn fake accents which none of us who have travelled almost the entire English speaking world can place let alone have heard before.

2. We think the tired old excuse than white men treat you all so much better is bullshit anyway. If I was trying to get some pussy gratis, I'd be real nice to you too.

3. This is sour grapes but we do recognise that white boys quite likely have heapo money. This does however, make you materialistic mercenary whore.

Of course I do realise we can't expect preferential treatment of the sort you crave from an Ah Beng but they're not all of us. That's stereotypical and not fair! Hahaha!

It is funny though when you tag along with us, there aren't any white boys around and you haven't a clue why no one is even remotely interested in speaking to you. So at least you do have entertainment value. Minor as it is.

Anyway, you've probably sussed out by now that this is nothing really to do with Jeremy Clarkson or Bill Bryson but mainly that I wanted to bitch and whine about something. Anything. It's what I'm good at in front of a keyboard. I've been reading Bryson and had been reading Clarkson. The fingers got kinda itchy.

I will leave you with this though, I discovered something new in the course of my work in which I meet quite a few expatriate families. I've discovered that the white boys who come over to work here.... well, their wives hate you fucking bitches too!

Truly wonderful. We're going to start a union soon.