Off the Hornonometer

Before we start, here's how you pronounce it. Hor-non-noh-meter. Good. Thanks. Glad that's out of the way. And yes. I did make it up.

And before you read any further, this postings is about sex. You have been warned!

Here's the run of events that lead up to the material for this posting.

1. Went out with A Girl to dinner and then to club for drinks with her and her friends. She's a nice girl, friendly, generous. The good sort. Nevertheless, I had intended to try to conduct a feasibility study on the possibility of pork happening cos my hornonometer readings have been quite high of late.

2. Was having tea with Natalie and I was running my mouth as usual and my mouth was on autopilot i.e. I don't really think before I speak. So, what I say is usually pretty downright honest. I have caused offence before this way. Don't really mean it but it happens. Anyway, amongst the things I said was that any male human with a working set of testicles that still produces decent amounts of testosterone would have a sex drive. Before you fuckers start jumping to conclusions, it was a philosophical discussion. Okay??

I've been saving up my latest and greatest Errol Flynn line and had thought to have the opportunity to use it last week. There's a difference between pickup lines and Errol Flynn lines. Pickup lines are ice breakers to enable one person to talk to/chat up someone else not known to the first person. Errol Flynn lines are the ones that indicate intentions, correlating to high hornonometer readings, to someone you are already talking to.

What's my latest Errol Flynn line? Bugger off and make up your own. Intellectual property rights in operation. It's a lot better than my last one, which was said in an inquiring tone, "Pork?" Strange that it never worked.

Yeah. I made up the 'Errol Flynn lines' thing too. In like Flynn, ya know?

I did have a good night out with A Girl and her friends. Got to chill, make new friends and have a coupla drinks. But it occurred to me that dear sweet A Girl, in all her goodness and sweetness, has no concept of casual sex. Not that it's an alien concept to her. It just that I think she's one of them girls that has never ever had casual sex in her life. So.... no. Feasibility study returned negative value. I'm glad to be her friend though. Make no mistake about that. I think she's a lovely girl. Optional extras not included that's all.

I wonder if it's becoming more of a rare phenomenon. By that I mean People Who In This Day And Age Have Never Had Casual Sex. Like VHS. Rare! People of our generation who still have VHS at home are classic porn connoisseurs. Trust me on that one. I don't have a VHS at home. That's just cos I won't get found out. Hahaha.

It's the new millennium. Some things are just rare these days. Like what? Example 1. Women with full unaltered pubes. I kid you not. In all my years of acquainting myself with girls' naughty bits, only 3 weren't shaved, trimmed and/or plucked/waxed. Eh? What? Oh for fuck's sake, I'm already 33. Of course I would've had a fair share by now. Example 2. Girls who don't give blowjobs. In this day and age?? It's not even VHS, it's Betamax. They still make you???

Not exactly fair is it? There are plenty of men who won't go down on a woman but still expect a wet dick and women to grow an instant moustache and best impressions of a rooster. You know? Rooster? Get it? Don't get it? Sigh.... Picture a rooster. It's got that useless dangly bits of skin on its chin. So with that in mind, .... oh fuck it. Never mind. Anyway yeh! If women ever want to campaign for Oral Sex Equality Rights, I will support you. Me? What about me? Well.... put it this way, I've eaten so much and so many.... that any more and I might just grow whiskers.

Let me know if you got that last one okay? Thanks.

Hahahaha!

I think I shuttup now. I'm off the hornonometer for sure.

But you did read the whole damn thing didn't you?

!!!!

Colour

Was having dinner with a few of my footy friends after the game and a topic of conversation was how Adrian's friend's brown Labrador bitch went on heat, ran out the gate, got shagged and eventually gave birth to eight puppies. The big laugh was that all the puppies turned out black when the bitch is brown. We had a good laugh over that and Adrian said one more time for emphasis.

"They all came out black wey!"

That's when I noticed this Indian family at the next table and they were staring at us in mild outrage.

The only word they probably registered was 'black'. Did they actually know what we were talking about? No offense was meant.

It could have been any other doggy colour. Just so happens the puppies all have black hair. Dogs don't have racial issues although apparently, we do.

Why it was so funny, to me anyway, was probably because I was thinking of the Jerry Springer episode where this racist redneck white man's daughter had a nig... sorry, bla... sorry, African American boyfriend and was pregnant by him.

I don't know if my friends were thinking along the same lines. The 'nightmare' interracial thing. Where's the line? Do we draw it ourselves? Was the joke racist? It probably was though I don't actually think it was intended to come out that way.

Sad isn't it?

If there is a god we would all be the same colour. I suppose someone thought it was funny to play with the crayons when the drawings were still on the draftsman's board. We may all be equal in His eyes but we sure as hell aren't in our own. Problem could have been easily solved if we were all the same fucking colour. Which colour?

Would we be black or white?

Let me tell you an old story. It doesn't have a title but I call it irony.

When god made men, he made them out of clay. He made three and put them in his oven. The clay man in the front of the tray was too far away from the fire and didn't get cooked. The clay was still white. God threw away the white man and he landed in Europe. The man at the back of the tray was also ruined. He was too near the fire and was burnt. God threw away the black man and he fell to Africa. The man in the middle of the tray was done just right. The clay was perfectly baked and the colour was just right. God placed the perfect man tenderly into China.

Probably Comrade Communist China Chinese Mind Control Propaganda. But an interesting take on the black or white issue nonetheless. Some things should be floated around in grey areas. Most things, if you think about it, aren't a case of black or white.

Heapo

Alright. Here is the full song of the test video I did. Yes, it is plagued with mistakes but I don't think I'm going to sit and play until I nail it in front of a crash happy mobile phone. Don't have a camcorder so the Sony Ericsson's the best I can do. It also explains the crappy video and audio. If you can, enjoy!

Test Video

I thought I'd do the YouTuber thing. I'd get my guitar, play a little song and get it on video. So I set it up to record on my cell phone.

First I do a little trial run. Wanted to see that the framing, the sound and such was okay.
I smack the first 15 seconds or so of the song out. The timing's not right, I miss a couple of notes, the synchronisation with the backing track is out and the backing track can hardly be heard.

But it's okay. It's just the Test Video.

Then I start recording the Actual Video. And after I finish the song I discover my cell phone's done the famous Sony Ericsson thing and has fucked up i.e. crashed. By the time I finish swearing and cussin', it's past 10pm and I generally don't play past 10pm. Give the neighbours a break. I play electric guitar and my housemate plays violin. They must be on edge sometimes.

Anyway. Yeah.... the phone fucked up. So all you get is the crappy Test Video!

Ridiculous

It didn't occur to me how ridiculous my situation has become. What situation? Well, eventually I do think I will tie the knot with someone though when I have no clue. I am at present, still single and staggering my way through life.

It's been a bit of an eye opener to me recently. My housemate/tenant told me of a ridiculously high figure of the percentage of divorcees in our generation. I thought it was startling to say the least. And divorces, while already painful can be ugly sometimes. I had written about finding out a good friend was getting divorced and this week, I'm was told by another friend that she is for now separated from her husband. I find myself wishing it wasn't happening to them. It's not a happy thing and not something you'd like your friends to go through. Additionally I've been hearing about more separations/divorces from my housemate, Janice.

What gives?

What's going on?

I suppose what has shielded me a lot from all this is that most of my friends are still single. Like me.

So I've gone overboard and become overly cautious and paranoid. Overly cautious that I'm already deciding what kind of girl I'd allow myself be married to. Trying to identify the pitfalls and problems that beset marriages and devising ways to overcome them or identifying traits where this can be avoided.

And then there was already a contingency plan should things go wrong. I hadn't been entirely happy that my major fixed assets are in my name. I had wanted these things to be in my mother's name. I wouldn't really have cared if I'd earned and paid for them myself but I didn't. In some ways I consider myself as somewhat of a trustee for what I perceive as my family's assets. It's not mine to lose. Even though my parents will tell me different. I was told last night that it is perfectly reasonable for me to fight tooth and nail (if I have to) for such assets without handing over a cent. Well.... that's a comfort....

So here I am. Single. No girlfriend. And already worrying about divorce.

That's pretty fucking stupid isn't it? Anyone will tell you that but somehow I had shoehorned myself into a tight hole with no room for rationality.

Last night, I had some sense gently knocked into me by Ivy, a friend whose friendship I treasure. It's a balance of friendship and professionalism. I don't swear in front of her. Well, not much anyway...! We have worked together before and became friends. We met on the job of course. I'm a property manager, she's an estate agent. My apartment, her tenant. (The only active agent I completely trust in case you ever need to talk to one!) Other people could have told me the same things but I suppose I needed the touch that she or our kind of friendship has.

There are some pretty good marriages. Examples of which are evident. My parents would be the perfect example. My sister's marriage is very harmonious despite being unbalanced on paper. We also can pretty much deduce that Nick has a very strong marriage himself. I could envy him but of course I don't. I think it's great. It gives one hope and I hope to be able to emulate such a situation for myself.

So here I am. With some sensibility finally banged into my brain. I'm awake now, thanks. What next? I don't really know. When my uncle got married he said that you just know when you're with the girl you're going to marry. Well, he divorced his first wife but his second marriage seems good.

Thanks Unca Gary. Good one.

I suppose you can't really determine nor can you plan for things like this. I would really like to find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. So much so that I'm really afraid of getting it wrong.

I've decided to just live life as I've been doing. Plodding about sometimes with purpose and sometimes quite aimlessly. It would be nice to find love along the way.

The Best Of.... Needs YOU!

The Best Of.... Archive is up and running. Thanks to Nick for joining me and contributing but I'd hoped that more of you would join us.

Yes, I do mean you.

Don't make me name names.

The Best Of....

My latest tattoo

Ok. It's not really a tattoo. And I'm sure it's not permanent. I really really hope it's not permanent anyway.

Have a look at Exhibit A. Which is a bit of the footy top I wear to play futsal.



Now we move on to Exhibit B which is a picture of what I discovered after my shower once I'd gotten home.




It's not very clear in the photo but I assure you in the flesh (pun intended, ha ha) it's much clearer. I'm sure you've pretty much realised already that I have 'ASICS' imprinted on my chest.

I shouldn't be surprised really. Last month I had the ball pattern imprinted on my upper arm. A ball traveling at a speed that could leave a mark like that must have been Mach something but the bastards probably called for handball anyway! I should have taken a picture of that one. That had to be seen to be believed!

The Best Of.... Archive

I post rubbish here and there but occasionally I come up with individual posts which I personally quite like and feel personally is significant. With time, these occasional better posts get lost in the archive and will probably not be read.

I would like to start another blog to archive these better posts and naturally have titled it somewhere along the lines of 'The Best Of' and 'Greatest Hits'. LOL!

thebestof-archive.blogspot.com

I would however like to invite my fellow bloggers to join me in this. It would mean much to have my favourite bloggers archive their best posts in the same blog. Definition of best post? Nothing, except that it means something to the writer. Nothing new, just the various posts we feel have value, which we have written since we started blogging.

It would mean much to have the bloggers whose blogs I am familiar with to be fellow contributors. We're practically our own little community now.

Birfday

Whee! Tagged by Nick of Anything Goes!

Is nice also cos wikipedia is one of my daily visits.

Instructions:
1. Go to Wikipedia and type in the month and day of your birth.
2. Write three events, two births, one holiday and then tag 5 more buddies with it.
3.There are 5 slots in this Birthday Meme. As you are tagged, remove the name in the first slot and move everyone one place up, adding your name to the bottom.

My birthday is the longest day of the year, the summer solstice. 21st June.

I have no idea whether I am a Gemini or Cancer. Not that it really matters as I take horoscopes with a sack of salt but it might explain my complex personality. With the gemini twins, that makes me astrologically, three people. He he he....

3 events

1. 1940 - World War II, France surrenders to Germany without even a whimper and thus become the butt of all jokes English till the end of time.

2. 2002 - The World Health Organization declares Europe polio free.

3. 2004 - SpaceShipOne becomes the world's first privately funded spaceplane to achieve spaceflight.

2 birthdays

1. 1982 - Prince William of Wales, British royal family.

2. 1984 - Alicia Alighatti, American pornographic actress.

1 holiday

1. Summer solstice (Northern hemisphere) and winter solstice (Southern hemisphere) celebrations.

List:
Teacher Julie
Mommyness is Happiness
This is a miracle
Maurica
Anything Goes!
Nessa
Hui Sen
Bobo
Cbenc12
Sharon

Tag:
You Only Live Once
Ninien
Barbsie

50

I like living here. It's a lovely country and has a lot of wonderful people. I'm happy enough to be Malaysian. This is home. If I go about my life as usual and mind my own business, all is well. It's a beautiful enough country. The people are wonderful in their own ways. The ones I know anyway. Normal everyday people. You and me.

Victor Ostrovsky is a former Mossad secret agent who wrote an expose on the dealings of the Israeli secret service. There are some who view Ostrovsky as a patriot. There are some who view Ostrovsky as a traitor.

It is said he saw all that was wrong with the Mossad. He alleged they were corrupt, manipulative and self serving. He said he loved his country and sought to take what proved to be the futile first steps to try to make it a good nation. An idealist no doubt but on a fool's errand.

People should stay under the radar. Mind their own business. Make themselves a living and not stick their noses where it's not wanted. Trust the leaders. Love the leaders. They cannot but have the nation's best interests can't they?

Here are some pictures of our country's stalwarts. Happy 50th Birthday Malaysia!

Hanging up the balls

It's a strange thing. I've never felt so normal in a long time. It came to the forefront of my thoughts with a mug of hot tea. I've always had a ballsy edge which I think showed up sometimes in my writing and therefore in my blog. This morning I awoke at 8am after going to bed at ten the night before. I've done this a week now and while it might appear to be nothing spectacularly world changing, it's something new to me. This morning in particular I thought that it would be nice to have toast with my tea, maybe with marmalade or maybe strawberry jam.

It was a revelation.

It's not just normal, no no no, it isn't your everyday usual run-of-the-mill normal normal. It's fucking normal. And I thought, oh god.... I'm probably going to have a normal job soon. 9 to 5. Up in the morning. Have my tea and toast. Off to work and back in the evening. A bit of gardening before dinner. In bed before midnight. On weekends I'll be having tea and scones and a game of tennis. I'll be wearing whites. With a goddamn white headband.

Next thing you know I'll be looking for a nice girl to settle down with. She's not even going to be hot. And hot is pretty much what I would love to have. Head turner. Loves me for my personality (Ha fuckin' Ha). Nice. Polite. Pleasant. And a total slut in bed (Woohoo!). Oh, but no. She. Is. Going to be. Nice, polite, pleasant and probably will have wide generous hips not unlike that of a brontosaurus so's she can pop out the grandkids my father secretly craves with a nowt but a sneeze.

Christ.

Tea and toast. Bloody hell!

Which is in the end, probably what I really want for myself. A bit of normality. I don't think I'm going to ever totally lose the ballsy edge which I absolutely love having as part of me as a whole. I think a normal life with a hint of balls on the side.

And I know what you fuckers are thinking. He's feeling his age!!!

Really? Well, yeh. In a way. Maybe. So what?

Well, come over. Have some tea and toast. After that I'll dunk yer head in the aquarium so's the crayfish can nibble on your face. Nothing personal. Just to prove normal and balls can co-exist quite well thank you. And we can all have a giggle about it after.

The conclusion? I crave a bit more stability with my life. Running about living life in the opposite end doesn't help. The sleep in the day and up and night doesn't work for me. I feel quite useless anyway since there's nowhere to go and no one to see at blasted 3 in the blasted morning.

So.

I'll have my job, my tea and my toast. Gardening in the evenings. And on weekends - tennis, tea and crumpets (or was it scones?).

But I'll bet you all the tea in China that when I'm playing tennis in my tennis whites and fucking white tennis headband, I'll be aiming the wee green tennis ball at my opponent's testicles every chance I get.

What is life without having a laugh? And nothing's funnier than a respectable dignified grown man, preferably a Dato' or Tan Sri rolling about the tennis court in a respectable club clutching his privates and moaning softly so as to not disturb the other prancing respectable fairies on the other tennis courts.

I'll bet you all the curry in India that I will help the man up, make the appropriate noises of sympathy, sorrow and infinite regret, dust him down and pour him a cup of tea to help him recover his poise.

Then I will go home and giggle my ass off. Tell the wife and in mid giggle she might even pop out a grandkid. You know, hee hee hee oops hee.

Hang up the balls? Fuck that. They'd get dusty. And dust in the testi-hair is quite unpleasant probably. I like them exactly where they are.

A scrotum is not particularly attractive to the eye is it? They bear resemblance to your granny's elbow skin no? But to me, a scrotum looks like hairy brain (sometimes dependent on the ambient temperature). Which is why, I suppose, I sometimes let them do the thinking.

So I end this with a quote from the wise, the sagely, the one and only, Billy Connolly.

"Life, is funny with its knickers down.

And - I love life with its knickers down."