US of Arrogance

Speaking of diving forums. Here is a posting of mine:

"I came across a discussion on a primarily American forum regarding diver limits and park fees for Sipadan. Mainly divers complaining about how risky it is to go to Sipadan when it isn't guaranteed that they'll be able to dive there. Anyway, it got kinda interesting from a Malaysian's (esp. a Malaysian diver's) point of view in the end. Here are some quotes:

"All that will do will ensure that access to this special place is further limited to those who can afford a substantial extra cost, which isn't fair at all."

"Fair? Is it fair to Malaysians that a precious national resource is being trashed by (mostly) American and Japanese divers to put pocket change into the hands of a few dive operators? Is it fair to Malaysians that many can't afford a dive trip to Sipadan and when their children can, it won't be worth going to? Malaysia has no obligation to be fair to foreign divers--their obligations are to preserve their national heritage and to exploit their resources to their maximum benefit."

"I would argue that Sipadan is in better shape as a dive destination then it ever would be as an unprotected site-- fished out, dynamited, exploited. That doesn't excuse poor stewardship of the park, which cannot be sensibly improved by charging a lot more for access to the park (please note that I am completely in support of park fees, just not ridiculously high ones). The solution of capping numbers and operating on a first come, first serve basis (which is the way I think Sipadan was supposed to be operated) is still better than charging more money. Charging more money will absolutely ensure that many Malaysians won't be able to afford it."

"The fact that most Malaysians can't afford to go to Sipadan is due to bigger issues than how much a daily entrance is to Sipadan--and even if the daily fee was waived for Malaysian citizens probably many would not be able to afford scuba equipment."

"But this highlights my point--which is that increasing fees to a very high amount will only serve to limit the opportunities of those who happen to make less than others."

Take it with a pinch of salt.

However.

I must remember to work harder and to pick more coconuts to sell to foreign tourists. That is, when the tiger goes away and I can come down from my treehouse. Even if eventually I can't afford scuba gear and to go to Sipadan, it is my hope than I can pick enough coconuts so my children can. "

If you want the full thread, which I posted to as well before the references to poor, backward and inferior started, it's here.

Well meaning as they might be and think they are, from here all I see are large caucasian nostrils.

Pricks.

Incidently, I posted that in a Malaysian divers forum. At first, they didn't get it either or didn't want to reply. Then a couple discussed the Sipadan situation and nothing else. Finally someone posted that I had taken offense to the American divers' comments. No shit Sherlock.

And then, I get chided for being petty.

What are we Asians frightened of? That they won't give us Levi's and Britney Spears anymore? Fuck you backward, inferiority complex, village idiots. Pick coconuts and live in your tree house.

Please watch this

You might think it's a typical, useless and ineffective public awareness program. Another one. Yes? No? It probably is. Chinese people are tragically more impressed by showings of wealth and prosperity. If they could eat hummingbird tongues, mermaid tails and unicorn horns, they would.

In the video you see a Napoleon Wrasse being taken out of holding pens on the sea and the swimming in an aquarium in a restaurant. Don't be fooled. That's not a fish farm. Some time back someone posted a picture of a large Napoleon Wrasse in an aquarium in a shop on a dive forum. I felt I had to reply to that particular thread.

The picture in question is from the Malaysian Underwater forum and posted by a member with the nick 'arrifin'. I hope no one objects to my using the picture here.



You might have seen this fish in a restaurant. It may appear big but it is a young fish. They grow slowly and live long. Up to 6 feet in length and an average of 30 years. This fish is just a juvenile. I have seen this fish while diving (Mid Reef, Sipadan). It is a beautiful and magnificent fish. Leave it where it belongs.

It is said that most divers end up eating farmed fish. I've already commited to it a while back and I don't eat sea food at all.

This is what I posted:

"I seriously doubt this is a cultivated fish. It matures and grows slowly to 2m/6ft and has a long lifespan, about 30 years. This fish is listed as endangered on the IUCN Red List of Threatened Species. Conservation action has been taken by a number of countries including Australia, Indonesia, China, Philippines, Palau and Papua New Guinea. How effective, I don't know. However, Malaysia is not on the list. Basically, a Napoleon Wrasse's hope to stay off the dinner table is to live in marine reserve parks and perhaps popular dive locations.

Below is an edited excerpt from the Napoleon Wrasse's entry by the Species Survival Commission.

Wherever it is fished, even if only moderately, density quickly declines to 25% or less. It is particularly heavily exploited in key supply countries for the live reef fish trade, Malaysia and Indonesia, and out of Palawan, its stronghold in the Philippines. In these countries all available fishery-dependent and trade-related data suggest declines over 10–15 years in exploited areas of 10–fold or more with fish now considered rare in areas where once it was common. Buyers of this fish are continually having to source new areas as numbers decline and the pattern of fishing reported is one typical of rapid serial depletions. Much of the capture in all major source countries for live fish are of small fish, mainly juveniles, according to all reliable accounts. Moreover, juveniles are the preferred size range for retailers of live Humphead Wrasse. Such is the concern for this species that it is one of the only reef fish protected by name (i.e., species name) across a range of countries. Some spawning aggregations have been noted to decline or have disappeared in eastern Malaysia and Australia.

Malaysia

An extensive series of underwater visual census surveys at more than 30 survey sites around Sabah (the major supplier and source of this species in Malaysia) found that, after extensive and uncontrolled fishing had occurred, only 2 sites had more than 1 Humphead Wrasse per km squared with only two reproductive sites identified. Population declines determined from these surveys to have occurred since 1974 were 99.91% in Humphead Wrasse numbers, when compared with similar unfished reefs. Sabah is the principle source of Humphead Wrasse in Malaysia, and a location central to the geographic range of the species with habitat suitable for the species (TRACC 2004). It is also thought that spawning aggregations may have eased in the area as a result of overfishing (T. Daw, pers. comm., based on WWF Malaysia Project Report 2002).

This species is found in marine protected areas (MPA) of peninsular Malaysia (e.g., Pulau Payar, west coast) and, in a survey of Sabah, was noted from Mabul Is., Bodgaya Is. (Semporna district) and Sipadan Is. (A. Cabanban, pers. comm.; G. Allen, unpublished data; World Wildlife Fund, unpublished data). The Humphead
Wrasse is nowadays rarely seen by divers in much of eastern Malaysia, where most of the country’s coral reefs are located. Exceptions are at Pulau Layang Layang where an estimated 350 fish measuring 60-120 cm TL were noted, and west of Sabah and Pulau Sipadan where an estimated 70 fish were recorded in the late
1990s) (TRACC 2004). These locations are protected by the Royal Malaysia Navy and by dive resorts, respectively. The TRACC study around coasts of Sabah yielded only 2 sites with more than 1 fish noted per km with most fish in the immature size range (TRACC 2004).

However good it may taste, I'm not having any. It's no damn different from shark fins. I bought that t-shirt too."

Nat bought me a book entitled Reef by Scubazoo, a team of underwater videographers and photographers. I met one of them, a friend's husband, some years back in Kota Kinabalu. He mentioned in the book that he tries to portray the true nature of sharks while he is photographing them. I think I know what he means. He photographs the large predators, the tiger sharks, the altantic white tip and the sand tiger to name a few. People ask him if being so close to such predators and proven man killers frighten him. As wary of the shark as he may be, he's seen and filmed the slaughter of sharks. He's filmed a sea bed littered with shark heads and unwanted parts discarded after the fin harvest. Fearsome predator it may be but it's actually very very vulnerable.

STOP EATING SHARK FINS YOU FUCKERS.

Abort, Retry, Fail?

No idea why brainspillage.com went offline.

Quite likely bloody eternal solutions' (the pricks my domain name is registered with) name server crapped up.

My 2 cents

If there's a male equivalent to Paris Hilton, it has to be Kevin Federline.

Thank you.

Good night.

Nouveau Riche

Nat and I had dinner in Delicious at 1 Utama recently. I have to say though that we wouldn't ordinarily have eaten there. Nat had vouchers for the place so we decided to use them. I don't quite like these places. It is my opinion (you don't have to agree with me) that such places are more flash and not much substance.

This is what I think of the place. It has really nice decor. Obviously a lot of money went into sprucing up the place. The staff is not well trained. For the bucks one has to blow, I fully expect the staff to be professional, well trained and polite. Rude foreign bitch, what can't really understand and speak English, was getting on my nerves when the supervisor noticed and stepped in. The food is at best, ordinary.

This is the age of bling-bling. We're still in it and I bloody well hate it. Nothing represents it more than a teenaged black American holding up his $100,000 diamond pendant with both thumbs up to the camera. Usually it'll have some fucking dumb statement on it written in diamonds.

My theory is of the nouveau riche. The ones who made good in the economic boom. The ones who never had so much money before. The ones who don't know what to do with the money and how to spend it. I don't begrudge anyone from making as much money as possible. It's anyone's right and it's what keeps the economy going. It's the fakery and the flash and the pretense that I disagree with.

Since when were we happy to pay ten bucks for a cup of coffee?

Anyway, at Delicious I had something I can blog about and bitch about. Hey, it's what I'm good at no? It's not the place itself. I already said it's all flash and no substance. No no no. Here's what I saw to get the bitchyness going.

I saw a young couple. They'd been shopping. For her. Lots of bags. Expensive labels. She was very well dressed. I'll also say she is very very pretty. Nice clothes. Nice watch. Make up very nicely done. Nothing really to gawk about you think? Well, she could not have been any older than 16.

What kind of school girl dresses up like that? Wears make up? And I certainly hope she paid for her own shopping. If not, I certainly hope for the boy's sake that she's an absolute whore in bed and that he's getting some.

There's a new lifestyle to be had. I've heard about it but I hadn't really seen it with my own eyes. It's called the heiress lifestyle. I prefer to call a spade, a spade. I call it the prostitute-myself lifestyle. It's kinda stupid. Girls aspiring to be spoilt rotten and to have all their wants and whims satisfied. Funny bit is, I don't think many of them have billionaire parents.

I don't really know what's going to happen when the crash comes and believe me, it is coming. Rich kids still asking for their thousand a week pocket money when dad's looking at letters from lawyers because they can't understand that money doesn't grow on trees. What it might do is create children of the great depression like they had in America. A new age of tight fistedness.

I don't know which is worse. Young rappers showing off a very large and expensive diamond encrusted ding-a-dong or that little tramp.

Goddamn.

Is this next line familiar?

I blame goddam Paris Hilton.

Into The Blue - For Real This Time

Diving at Sipadan, Mabul and Kapalai was a wonderful experience. Huge amounts of fish of many many different species and huge fish, bigger than I've ever seen. I can't quite begin to describe it. In fact, I can't. Only another diver who appreciates nature and thinks people are killing the planet can understand how I felt diving at Sipadan. It's paradise. From the massive giant trevally and groupers to little nudibranches and dragonets. No dive was ever alike. I did 12 dives in total including 6 dives at Sipadan itself and a sunset dive (I think night diving quite agrees with me!). I also dived amongst wrecks of fishing boats and saw huge potato cods, groupers, coral trout and batfish. There was a scorpion fish as well in the wooden structure but of course I stayed well away from it. I saw so many things I had on my 'Things To See While Diving' list. Lionfish, garfish, barracuda, clown triggerfish, emperor angelfish, pompano, napoleon wrasse, bumphead parrotfish, requiem sharks (in this case, the silvertip), reef sharks (whitetip), turtles and on and on and on.

It was amazing.

We kinda went a little too deep but at 30 metres, we got to see silvertip sharks. Oh yeh! I had my little shark encounter. I had a whitetip swim head on and past me off the reef. It was almost close enough to touch. I distinctly remember when it fixed it eye on me. It was quite a thrill!

We also had a lesson to learn. In actuality, I'm glad it happened.

Nat and I had difficulties at the Barracuda Point dive at Sipadan. There was a down current off the reef and we weren't very comfortable in it. I could tell we were being pushed down by the pressure on my ears. One minute at 20m, the next minute at 30m. We ended up in the drift section of the dive which is on the north east edge of Sipadan. The next thing I know before we can react, Nat and I got swept off the reef and into the blue. A currrent pushing us away from the island and down deeper as well. I grabbed Nat's tank valve and held on tight so we wouldn't get separated.


Orange hand tells you how deep you've been. I have no idea why 30+ is in the red zone. Should be 40+. Chill.

In times of crisis, one learns about oneself and I'm pleased to say neither of us panicked. We both have surface markers. If we get swept away we can be found by the boat. Also, we were diving with our instructors. They knew what happened to us as they saw us miss the turn. Not fun though was trying to get out of the current. I sucked up 50bar of my tank just trying to get out of it.

No one came to rescue us and I'm ever grateful no one did. Our instructor didn't come rushing in. He instead moved to a spot where we could get out of the current and signalled us to swim to him. Which we did. He made us get out of trouble ourselves. I am also very grateful that no one else in our group gave us grief. In fact, a few of them quietly gave us words of encouragement during the break between dives. The dive was videoed. Those who know, can see Nat and I off the reef and into the blue in the DVD.

I surfaced with under 20bar of air in my tank. It didn't help that another down current interrupted our safety stop by pushing us down from 5 to 10 meters so we had to start the 3 minutes at 5 meters all over again! In any case, Ian let me breath off his octopus (emergency second stage).

There are some things that can be understood and some things that say a lot without needing to have a parade and balloons.

Our instructor, Ian, is a remarkably sarcastic and niggly individual. Yet he only pointed out the positives to the incident and gave us none of the cliches. I think I said it all and he knew what I meant when I quietly said, "Thanks Ian."

Thanks for helping us out.
Thanks for not putting the boot in.
Thanks for not destroying our confidence.
Thanks for making us save ourselves.
Thanks for calming me down in a stressful situation.
(although I assure you I wasn't about to freak out)
Thanks for giving us more confidence in our abilities.
Thanks for saying the right things without being condescending nor patronising.


Quiet words before the next dive

Anyway, 2 dives and almost exactly 24 hours later, we dived Barracuda Point again. Conditions were exactly the same. Down current on the earlier part of the dive and drift conditions before the corner. And you know what? Nat and I agree, it was one of the best dives we've ever been on. It was brilliant. A thoroughly fantastic dive.

At the airport as we were about to make our separate ways home, Ian asked me if I enjoyed the trip. I understood that he was asking me a lot more than that. I've now been in a current, been in a stressful situation, been deeper than ever before - almost twice an Open Water Diver's limit and had to learn to look after myself underwater. In short - I'm on my way to becoming a competent and capable diver. And so is Nat.

I grinned. And nodded. That time, I didn't even need to say anything.

Can't wait for the next trip!

And Mom! Told you not to read my blog!!

Sipadan

Yeah! We're here!


Our lovely chalet on the water. Turtles come to visit if you're quiet!


Preparing for sunset dive to see the Mandarin fish.


On my way to see the giant clam


Happy divers!


A: Look! A turtle!
B: I've already seen 20 of them. To Pluto with the turtle!


Nat and I wondering what we're looking at.


Drying gear means packing to go home! *Sob*

Full albums can be viewed through these links:

On the Surface

Sipadan 30/8/08

Andrew's Sipadan Proposal to Alicia

Finger

I suppose some of you, or one of you - namely Nick, had wondered if I was going to blog regularly again. In my defense, I could have, I wanted to certainly, but have not been able to because I buggered a finger. One can appreciate that a football travelling at a rapid pace towards you deserves some attention. One can also appreciate that said football packs quite a wallop especially if (and when) it whacks one on the tip of the finger.... Doesn't sound so bad? Well, it is if the damn blasted bloody ball smacks the tip of my finger threatening to drive the unfortunate digit into the palm of my hand. Yes. The ball hit my finger dead on. Not sideways. I was about sure the ring finger on my right hand was a lot shorter than before the incident. An x-ray revealed a small chip on one of the finger bones. It hurt like hell. It wouldn't be a bad thing except I am going diving again.

Good timing. I've now been banned from playing futsal at least a week before a dive trip. A terrible fate but seemingly, quite a wise one looking at the situation I'm in. I didn't tell mum I busted my finger four days before leaving on a dive trip. I'm keeping mum you might say. Four days? Well, in my experience, it takes two months for this kind of injury to heal.

Merde.

We're going to Sipadan this time. The mecca for divers the world over. Jacques Cousteau gave very high praise. It's one of the best places in the world to go diving.

If you'd been reading when I'd been blogging, you'd know I have a shark phobia. Well, in Sipadan it isn't a possibility of seeing sharks. It's quite a definite thing. Wish me and my unfortunate digit luck. Me, so I don't shit myself and my finger because I don't know as yet what it's going to be like struggling into my wetsuit. If I had the dosh I'd have bought one of those Scubapro suits with zippers for the hands and feet, easy-access-the-use-of.

I'd been reading a dive in Malaysia guide by Jack Jackson (how original) and it mentioned great white sharks. Jackson, Jack claimed that it is very highly unlikely to see a great white in Malaysian waters as they prefer colder temperatures. All I read is that it is not impossible to see a great white in Malaysian waters. Merde. Anyway, great whites eat food with high fat (read blubber) content and happily although I have been putting on weight alarmingly, I can safely say that there are divers in our group who would be more appetizing to a great white. I'd be well down on the pecking (eating) order although somewhere in the middle. Jack Jackson goes on to comfort the reader by saying, no no no, you probably won't see a great white. You might see a tiger shark though.

Fuck.

Merde.

Ah well.

On a different note, I hadn't realised what a snooty little bastard I can be. I hadn't been happy with a real estate agent I had been dealing with. I had been corresponding with the happy chappie via email and he'd been writing his emails to me like he was sending me a friggin' SMS. No 'Dear sir' or 'Dear Mr. Tan'. No 'yours sincerely'. Apparently also I have become a 'u' and not 'you'. It got right up my nose it did. It was probably accelerated by the fact that I thought this guy wasn't dealing straight with me. It turns out.... he was. Oh dear oh dear oh dear....

I suppose I am snooty. I don't send SMSes in SMS-speak. I do not abbreviate. You is 'you' and 'already' is not 'd'. I'm one of the twits that actually writes SMSes in full. Complete with punctuation and capitals in the right places. I don't know why. Maybe cos I'm a snooty bastard.

Anyway, do you know the English sentence most Malaysians will fuck up? I do.

"I have tuition on Wednesday evenings."

Figure it out. I'll tell you why when I get back from Sipadan. Assuming I don't meet any tiger sharks. Or great whites....

This is where we're going.

http://www.swvresort.com/

Feel free to feel envious. Hahaha!

Hippo Material

Have you noticed how swanky eateries are getting? And we're all paying top dollar for it? It's ridiculous. Let me start with something close to home. The Oldtown Kopitiam franchise. You've probably heard of it. It's everywhere.

It pleases me that a corner coffee shop in Ipoh has exploded onto the scene and it appears to be a very very profitable thing. It does however represent all that is right and wrong about it. Let me quickly explain. Oldtown Kopitiam, is for intents and purposes, NOT a kopitiam. It's a fake to appeal to the the present generation's money happy ways. The biggest example I can give to you is the upgraded McDonald's "restaurants". It looks upmarket now but let me tell you it still serves the same shitty fattening fast food. After McDonald's got rid of the plastic furniture and provided wi-fi, it was suddenly trendy.

The point I am trying to make is how easily we part with our money for bad product just as long as it's nicely wrapped.

Back to Oldtown. I'm happy that the explosion has occurred while the original (and real) kopitiam still exists, still has its regular clientele, is still doing very well and pretty much looks the same as it's done for decades. The franchise however is no better than the people who bought the franchise and run it. Of all the Oldtown's I've been to, I'm only frequenting just one outlet. The rest, while they look really nice, serve horrible food and drink. I'm pretty certain that there are standard recipes but apparently only this one outlet in Kota Damansara sticks to it. Nat and I went to an Oldtown in Penang for a drink. It was bursting at the seams with customers. The coffee really really really sucked. Were we the only ones that noticed or are we now content to pay for the atmosphere and damn the food and service.

Speaking of service. It reeks these days. We went to eat in Sushi Groove in 1Utama this week. It took a while when we were ready to order to get the attention of the staff there. When we did, this guy comes over and says very curtly, "yah?" He might as well have said, "well, what the fuck do you want?"

The last server to do this to us was in Delifrance at Bangsar Shopping Complex. I glared him down and chewed him out and told him to his face that the service had to be better than what was on offer. We walked out that time. I don't think I'm overly fussy. Again, it took a long time to be served. Again the guy seemed like he wanted to be somewhere else. He wasn't overly rude but he wasn't polite either. When Nat ordered something he snapped, "no more, no more." Then without saying anything, he walked off and when he came back, I had had enough and I chewed on him a bit. Nat was totally pissed off and we left. At premium price for a croissant, I expect better.

It's pretty much the same in most places. Expensive decor (although I have to admit, Delifrance doesn't fall into this category), ambience and atmosphere and all that shit. Maybe sometimes the food is decent but way too often the service is crap or indifferent.

In the beginning, Nat was quite surprised that I can cook. I was surprised she likes my cooking! Anyway, we have an inside joke which is called the Hippo. The Hippo will be the name of the restaurant we open with the combination of our culinary skills. Above all, not only will the food be good but you will feel very welcome there. The staff will be polite, friendly and they will make you feel happy to be there.

The best example I can give you is Pasta Zanmai in 1Utama. The food, yes, is expensive but the food is very good and the staff are Hippo material. If the Hippo really existed, I'd be trying to poach them. Another good example will be one of the staff from BBQ Chicken in Desa Sri Hartamas. She was friendly, polite, cheerful and ready to smile. Not only that, she anticipated our dining needs. Hippo material I tell you!

These days however, in the age of the bling bling, many consumers are willing to pay high prices for superficial rubbish.

Tragic isn't it?

?

Somehow, I recently remembered (vaguely I have to admit) I had something called a blog. Somewhere in the back of my mind resided the necessary information and it needed a catalyst. Two in fact. They are called Jeremy Clarkson and Bill Bryson.

They both write. I suppose no one should be surprised about that. However in respect to both men, they are alike like chalk and cheese.

I have been familiar with Clarkson for quite a while now. I had watched some BBC Top Gear shows taped in jolly old Blighty by my uncle who resides there. He also wrote a column for a car magazine. Clarkson is balls out, unashamedly anti conformist and a petrol head. He loves machinery that do quite anti social things. Zero to hundred in less time it takes for Paris Hilton to flash a tit or two. Top speed in excess of 2000% the legal speed limit. That kind of macho (and totally uncessary thing) gets his knickers wet with excitement. Don't forget he's the guy that bought a brand new Perodua Kelisa, drove it off the car lot and took a sledgehammer to it in full view of the dealership. It ended with the demise of the unfortuntate Kelisa by a good amount of explosives.

Mind you, I laughed. You yourself can watch it on youtube. But that's because I'm familiar with the chest beating apeman that is Clarkson. The Kelisa was accused of being devoid of character and manufactured for the sole purpose of profit for the manufacturer.

Excuse me. But isn't that the exact fucking point?

The absolute intention for a business, any business, from car manufacturer to your aunt Sally's curry mee stall is to make profit and as much of it as possible. More importantly I think, is that most people need to have the option of a cheap car to get from A to B (and hopefully back again) and also an easy car to drive. Character in a car means the back end's likely to overtake the front end if you get it slighty wrong. Clarkson can spout about his Farraris, Porsches, Lamborghinis, Saleens and whatnot. Only 0.1% of the world's population can actually afford and want to buy such montrosities of engineering. A road car that is capable of 320km/h is like having an industrial sized incinerator in your home. Walk the 10meters to the garbage can you lazy bastard. It's free. A car that does 320km/h uses the GDP of a small country to move that same amount of distance too.

Once, I was fully on Clarkson's side and wholeheartedly agreed with his viewpoint but that was almost 20 years ago. Back then I was a teenager suffering raging hormones, rebelliousness and zits.

So Clarkson can celebrate his Need for Speed. It's okay. It's his right. I however think Clarkson is anti-conformist and anti-social for the mere sake of being so. You can tell of the obvious guilt the man feels from the occasionally self-depracating remarks he makes.

But. I genuinely enjoyed his writings and still do. Even if I think the man's a cerebral menace, I have to admit he writes it well.

Bryson on the other hand, I simply love. An American who opened one eye and learnt how American America is. That's not a compliment actually. Bryson is an American who travelled to England to have a look see in his youth and didn't leave. He did eventually return to the YOO EHS AY but by then with a wife and four children in tow. By then Bryson pretty much grasped half of what the rest of the world do. The YOO EHS AY are a planet all on their own. I find white people adorably stereotypical be they Australian, American or British but the Americans have to take the cake in the Being White Stakes. I'd explain but my brain will probably not be able to take strain right now. It's nearly 4 in the morning. I guess have a long nap after lunch isn't a good idea.

Regardless of which and although it is stereotypical I will say that all white countries are inherently racist. The British because they used to rule us and now the the empire days are over, long for the past. The Australians because they feel threatened by us (look at an atlas sometime, mate); and The Americans because they are simply, arrogant (and delightfully unaware of this) and quite likely the new global Aryan.

Which brings me to my next bit of bitching. Es Pee Gees. I fucking hate SPGs. Not for the obvious reason which is since they only put out for white boys, we get less pussy. No no no. It makes no difference to me now anyway, not being single. Not at all. I hate them because there is no forgiveness for gross, irresponsible and blatant stupidity. One fine day, it might do them good to look up these lines:

1. Me so horny.

2. Fucky sucky, 10 doh-lar.

3. Me love you long time.

White boys love you bitches because you lot throw yourselves legs spread akimbo at them all the time. And us local boys couldn't give you the time of day because:

1. We can't stand your goddamn fake accents which none of us who have travelled almost the entire English speaking world can place let alone have heard before.

2. We think the tired old excuse than white men treat you all so much better is bullshit anyway. If I was trying to get some pussy gratis, I'd be real nice to you too.

3. This is sour grapes but we do recognise that white boys quite likely have heapo money. This does however, make you materialistic mercenary whore.

Of course I do realise we can't expect preferential treatment of the sort you crave from an Ah Beng but they're not all of us. That's stereotypical and not fair! Hahaha!

It is funny though when you tag along with us, there aren't any white boys around and you haven't a clue why no one is even remotely interested in speaking to you. So at least you do have entertainment value. Minor as it is.

Anyway, you've probably sussed out by now that this is nothing really to do with Jeremy Clarkson or Bill Bryson but mainly that I wanted to bitch and whine about something. Anything. It's what I'm good at in front of a keyboard. I've been reading Bryson and had been reading Clarkson. The fingers got kinda itchy.

I will leave you with this though, I discovered something new in the course of my work in which I meet quite a few expatriate families. I've discovered that the white boys who come over to work here.... well, their wives hate you fucking bitches too!

Truly wonderful. We're going to start a union soon.

Into the blue

Oh gosh. More than 2 weeks without a post! Well, I've been quite busy. Have to prepare 5 properties for rental and one more needs maintenance. It never rains but it pours eh? Been quite busy and other time is spent just chillin'. I've been frequenting 1 Utama quite recently and just wandering about. I've bought more books for my new hobby/sport/passion which is of course, recreational diving. Quite unlike the morbid first book, Diver Down, I've bought a book on identifying reef fish and one more on dive sites in Malaysia. Identifying fish can be quite ridiculous. Two fish which look very alike can be two different species altogether. And the same species can have varying colours as well depending on location and environment. My mother and sister who are birdwatchers, I'm sure, are secretly pleased that Nat and I have about the same headaches they do when it comes to identifying species.

It's an expensive hobby. We've already blown thousands and have to be prepared to blow thousands more as we're slowly buying our own equipment. Nothing would suck more than dying or nearly drowning using someone else's equipment! I'd rather we own and maintain our own equipment. I know Nat feels the same.

So anyway, the plunge has been successfully taken as Nat and I are now certified open water divers.

To illustrate The Plunge:



That is me, by the way, doing the back roll off the boat.



Happy faces no? Dripping wet but very happy I assure you!



Dive buddies! I'm in the foreground, Nat's in the background.



This is a Teira Batfish. It was one of my aims to get to see this fish during the trip. Here's one being cleaned by a cleaner wrasse. There are little blue and yellow damsel fishes in the background.



Nat waving at the camera. The diver disappearing to the right is me!



And that's me. I'm sure you've noticed the visibility wasn't so good this dive and lots of floating particles.



Hovering vertically head down. If you're wondering what the white thing floating by my elbow is, it's my writing slate. It came free from my cummerbund.



As a test of bouyancy control, we took off our fins and tried to run on the bottom. Not easy! That's me giving my fins a cuddle.



You can pass the theory and practical tests but you're only officially done with the snorkel test!

Life Will Never Be The Same

I''m back.

Firstly, Nat and I are now certified divers. We did it!

It wasn't the easiest of things. I had to find my comfort zone and learn to handle myself, my equipment and my immediate environment. The first time I went back below the surface (and the very first time in open water) I struggled a bit. There was a bit of mental block about sinking beneath the surface and breathing through the regulator. There was a role reversal here. Nat had a few problems in the pool whilst I had none. She happily went below the waves and I was stuck for a bit just below the surface trying to do everything at once. Breathe through my mouth. Coming to terms that I can't inhale with my nose, even if I tried I couldn't because of the face mask. Trying to equalise the air space in my mask (water pressure and air compression tightens the mask to the face) and equalise the air spaces in my ears. All at the same time! LOL! I was confused for a little while. We finished the open water tests and I'd like to think we did well. In total we did 4 open water tests dives, 3 leisure dives and one games dive. 2 of those were shore dives and 6 were boat dives. At the end of the trip, we pretty much found our comfort zones and are very happy to be in the water.

Secondly, Life Will NEVER Be The Same Again.

Our second leisure dive took us to Tokong Laut which is a rock which rises from the sea floor to just above the surface. This is a healthy reef. Visibility was good and there were thousands (and I mean THOUSANDS!) of fish of many many many colours and varieties. A lot of corals and anemonies. There was once we stopped and we were totally surrounded by hundreds of fish. It was absolutely beautiful. There is one thing looking at pictures of reef life in a book. It is also another thing watching it on TV. It is a whole different ball game being in the water, being in this underwater environment, being there, seeing, hearing, feeling. I tell you, it is a wonder. Life will never be the same again. Life anywhere else in the world is not so diverse and so colourful.


Titan Triggerfish

It was here that I saw my first sharks! :) I saw three in total. It was brilliant! I loved it! I also found out another thing. Recreational divers aren't scared of sharks. No sir. Recreational divers are scared of trigger fish! Hahaha! Trigger fish a territorial and extremely aggressive during nesting season. They attack divers without warning and without provocation. Consider this, trigger fish eat crustaceans and coral. They have very very sharp, strong and hard mouths. They can take chunks off divers and they have. Their bites can also be ciguatoxic. Ciguatera isn't something anyone wants to mess with. On a previous dive I had seen a small trigger less than a foot long. This time, on Tokong Laut, we came across a Titan Trigger which was at least two feet long. It was really really beautiful. I remember going "Wow!" more than "Oh shit!". It was absolutely fearless. It stared down five divers and refused to budge. That's when we decided to turn around and go another direction! Nat was the last to leave and when she noticed everyone had turned around she left plenty quick too!. She was finning like hell and thinking, "Oh SHIT!" LOL! Titans are the largest of the triggerfish species. It can grow to 30 inches. Which is a lot of triggerfish!

On a previous dive we saw bumphead wrasses. They were huge! Three feet long. They came to check us out and came to within 3 feet of us. It was fantastic.


Humphead Parrotfish

The most memorable fish I saw were the bamboo sharks, the triggerfish, humpheads, batfishes (big ones too!), blue spotted stingrays and various parrot fishes, butterfly fishes and angelfishes.

And of course we found Nemo! And nudibranches! We saw nudibranches! Woooooo!

There are photos and videos of our trip. We just haven't gotten them yet. There are photos of us underwater. There are also hilarious videos of us trying to run underwater on the bottom without fins, playing rugby with a mineral water bottle loaded with sand and of course, of our snorkel test! Will post them when we get them.

I am so pleased we did it. It's opened up a whole new world. We are well and truly hooked.

On the way back, I bought a t-shirt near the boat jetty. Its slogan is: Scuba Divers Go Down Longer!

And they do y'know? LOL!

Buzz

I haven't felt this for a while. The buzz the day before. I'm so buzzed about the trip, I can't sleep. Unlike Nat - who is blissfully in the arms of sleep! I'm off to Perhentian - today; and I figure in about 12 hours, I should be lunching on the island possible having already made the first off-shore dive.

I'm just waiting to see if checking in at the airport is going to pose any problems. The scuba gear bag alone which contains (you guessed it) only scuba gear weighs 16 kilos, nevermind our own personal luggage. Air Asia has a limit of 15 kilos per person and you can't combine baggage weight with other persons according to their website.

That sucks.

That's like having a meal at Mum's Place in Damansara Perdana and discovering that you've had an excellent meal for four which came to over 70 Ringgit and they don't and won't refill your iced water. The four glasses of water came to 3.20 by the way. No refills though.

That sucks.

It's just fucking cold water!

Black Canyon, which is almost as good and a lot cheaper, will. I heartily recommend Set A for two persons at Black Canyon. You get all the iced water you can drink too at almost half the price!

That aside, I'm goin' divin'! Yay!

There

Been busy!

Tomorrow, we're off for the diving trip!

Bzzzzz

Y'all have to forgive the slowdown in posts. I'm busy busy busy!

Asshole Gallery #2

What's wrong with this picture? Is the taxi really in reverse gear? Nope. This is one of the many many assholes who fuck about with their car lights array. Blinking reverse lights while braking. Reverse lights on when they brake. Reverse lights permanently on. You know the ones. You've definitely seen them about. This has to be illegal and rightly so. It's idiotic.



And here we are back to my pet peeve. Queue cutters! This is Jalan Damansara in TTDI leading to the LDP, opposite the Petronas and post office. The lane one the left is for people to turn into Damansara Kim where the Specialist Centre is. I noticed in my wing mirror, this asshole leave the queue at the back and drive up past everyone on the left. It's a nice car. I do love the new Camry but it's got a kurang ajar no road etiquette queue cutter at the wheel! The plate is WRA 1918. Might be and probably is a nice guy in person but is just another fucking Malaysian driver behind the wheel. Whassa matter? Whassa rush? Bad curry izzit?

I don't really understand the junction up ahead. I don't know why it's been fucked about with. What we have now is a three lane road becoming a 2 lane road just before the traffic lights. Which is a really stupid idea. Cars bottleneck, bunch up and argue for space at the lights. I don't know what is going on, maybe when they finish the works at the lights, it might make sense. But I'm not holding my breath.

Diver Up

As you may know, I've just taken up scuba diving. I'm going for open water certification. I've been frequenting book stores recently to obtain some literature (and colour pictures!) about diving or aquatic life. Book stores for some reason tend to be quite cold and after much shivering and swearing by the girlfriend I finally picked a book. It's called Diver Down, subtitled Real Life Accidents and How to Avoid Them, by Michael R. Ange. It's a book on real life incidents and accidents by recreational divers. Of all the books out there eh? I go and pick this one?

I do think it's rather typical of myself that I bought this one to be honest. I'm just not letting my mum anywhere near the book. Of the stories in the book, many of the divers concerned lost their lives, a few were permanently damaged and even fewer escaped permanent injury. None survived unscathed, all being damaged one way or another mentally or physically.

And I'm glad I bought it. It proves a few things my instructor had been saying. He didn't ever repeat himself much but that's cos he thinks we (Matt, Nat and I) are smart enough to realise what he's saying is mucho mucho importanto. I also now realise that I made quite a few mistakes during the confined water sessions. Our instructor keeps telling us to think. To figure things out. Stop. Breathe. Think. Act. In that order. There's only so much training and instructions can do. A diver must first be responsible for himself/herself.

It would be an interesting point to note that of all the stories, only one was due to Murphy's Law or the proverbial shit happens. An experienced diver suffered an embolism which paralysed him while he was still in the water despite not doing anything wrong. He survived.

Panic is the number one killer of divers. Not surprisingly, ego is number two. There are divers who were gung ho and macho and went beyond their limits and training and were killed in the process. Needless to say, they panicked at the end of it. Sometimes justice isn't served as one of these divers recovered completely but his girlfriend drowned and his divemaster will spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. That must be a terrible cross to bear.

However, ego is not always apparent. New divers always consume air faster than experienced divers. A new diver, subject to ribbing from other divers for having to cut short his (and his dive buddy's) dive from a rapidly lightening air tank, was determined to stay down longer on the next dive. He ran out of air and died along with the new divemaster whose own tank couldn't support himself and the hyperventilating new diver to make it to the surface.

Regardless of how exciting, new risky endeavours should be taken up progressively and carefully with advice and learnings taken seriously from the more experienced. Divemasters and instructors can always tell the ones who are going to be high risk. They're the ones who can't wait to get the gear on. The ones who want a bigger dive knife. The ones who can't wait to go deeper, further, longer. The ones who go beyond the limits of their training.

My own instructor had a story about diving. An instructor had two new students with him in open water. He had a camera with him. One student signalled low on air. The instructor signalled back to chill while he got his photo and they'd go up. After he got his shot he looked back and the divers were missing. He did a quick search and then went up. The divers were on the boat. One was dead and the other dying.

My mum told me that she read in the paper that a student diver got washed away from the group by a current and drowned. That's probably because that was a production factory type training. My group will have an instructor, 4 divemasters, an experienced diver, 2 Advanced Open Water students and 3 new Open Water students. Rather than 1 divemaster for 5 students, we will be having a 1 divemaster to 1 student ratio. Sure, I'm paying almost twice the price but I have someone qualified to certify new instructors as my instructor. I like the philosophy of my dive school which is to teach students how to dive and to do it safely. Production line schools tend to be like Malaysian driving academies. They teach you how to pass the test and that's about it.

After reading this book and reflecting on it, I would like to be qualified as an Advanced Diver and to also take up the Rescue Diver course. Not that I plan to be rescuing anybody (and I hope to never have to) but it would teach me to deal with emergencies and situations better should they arise. I certainly don't want anyone to be looking at me to deal with things cos, 'You're the rescue diver!'. A diver is only as good as his/her training and attitude.

I am rather pleased with comments filtered down to me from my pool sessions. It seems the instructors thought I was quietly confident and competent and doing better than I thought I was. A fellow student thought I did everything asked of me without fuss. So yeah.... very pleased with such feedback.

The reality of it is that I couldn't wait to get the gear on! Haha! BUT! I thought I should have a damn good listen to the instructor first. The last thing I want to be is to be in a book titled Diver Down, Part 2. I'd rather be in one titled "Diver Up, Who's Next?". Who knows? I might write it meself!

Spill and Overflow

Woah! Got to catch up with my blog! I have had so many things to blog about plus more pics for the Asshole Gallery (hahaha!) but have hardly had the time to do anything about it. Busy busy busy and it's gonna get busier with the handover of another apartment coming up about the same time with outfitting two other apartments. Also there's the pergola for the bungalow and the washing machine for the studio. I'm beat!

First! American Idol. How the hell did Michael Johns get voted off???? I'm waiting for Dread-head Boy to go but he's still there! What the #$%^&???? It's as Simon Cowell said, it's a popularity contest not strictly a talent contest. Didja see Stacey Ferguson on Idol Gives Back? Holy moly, that girl can sing. I really liked it when she sang with Heart. She sounded like a young Ann Wilson. And instead she gives us absolute rubbish like London Bridge and Fergalicious. Cos that's the kind of crap that sells and the people who buy crap like that is why Michael Johns is no longer in the running. I just saw David Cook sing Mariah Carey's Always Be My Baby. After that, his version of Hello and Chris Cornell's Billie Jean, if he doesn't win, we definitely know it because of people who like crap like London Bridge and Fergalicious. I have to say though, that Big Girls Don't Cry is a fantastic song. The rose bush growing out of a heap of manure.

And speakin' of crap....

Now! I just cut the grass today. Got the electric mower out and mowed the lawn. There's already cat crap on the freshly cut grass. If only I had a shotgun.... The smell of cat pee in the mornings and cat crap on my lawn. I had considered myself an animal lover but no longer. Dead cats sound like an increasingly good idea. Fertilizer anyone?

It's of constant amazement to me how badly people drive in this country. It has improved though. You know why? Because many many people in my generation went overseas for higher education. We learnt some sort of driving courtesy over there. Fuck the system that gives Malaysians a license to be in (and out of) control of thousands of pounds of fast moving metal. Anyone pay for your license cos you knew if you didn't you'd fail? Your driving school will even arrange it for you!

I'm now going to publish this posting and start on my next one.

Still Here

No, I haven't been neglecting my blog. Just been very busy. Will update on a heapo stuff soon. This is the 300th post! Woohoo!

Open Water

My PADI Open Water confined water sessions are over and it wasn't difficult at all! Next month I will be in Perhentian and by the time I come back I should be a certified open water diver. Woohoo!

The most obvious thing to me so far is how much of a mental thing diving is. Kids have less inhibitions than adults. They actually make better diving students than adults. They don't have the hangups adults have. So far I've heard the stories from my instructor. There are those who are convinced they will drown. Those who have to be coaxed to put their heads underwater. Those who are sure they can't breathe with scuba gear even though there's no reason as to why they can't. And. Those who are frightened of fish! It's a strange mix, diving and a fear of fish. But that's how much diving can snare you and keep you hooked. The Frightened of Fish One is going for advanced open water certification! Fish are one thing but there are sharks in the reef where we're going! LOL!

I have to say I'm really proud of Nat. She handled it very well. Although she doesn't think she did. She did everything she was asked to do and she did it competently. Trouble was she was comparing herself to me. I'm not good at a lot of things. There are only a few things I'm good at and these are 1. Outdoor activities, 2. Racing car video games; and 3. E***** ****y.

Hahahaha!

Confined Water

Taking the plunge. Welcome to the underwater!

The confined (pool) water sessions are over. We made it! Using scuba gear is a lot easier than I had thought it'd be. My only issues were with having a dry throat from breathing dry air for extended periods of time. I've been teaching myself to swallow saliva with the second stage in my mouth! Other than that was an ill fitting mask and a cheap snorkel which will be easily solved by buying my own. Also, we've decided that we have to get wetsuits. Nat and I both get plenty cold even in 3m of pool. 18m in the sea is gonna be really cold then especially if there's a thermocline.



It was quite an experience. The first questions were asked even before any gear was pulled on. First was the 200m swim and then the 10 minute unassisted float. I didn't count the laps, I just swam and the 10 minutes of treading water (I can't float for some reason) wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be.

As long as you pay attention and listen to your instructor, the various tests are simple and easy enough. It's as I'd said, anyone who goes into scuba diving all gung ho and macho is going to get killed. Either by own stupidity or by the instructor!

Annual

brainspillage.com, mine for another year!

I know I had said I'd wanted to change my domain name provider but it got kind of ridiculous. I made, or tried to make, a couple of phone calls. My first choice provider had a disconnected phone when I tried to call the number listed on the website. The second choice, no one picked up the phone when I called.

Two words. Fuck it.

I just paid up to the current one. Saves a lot of hassle and irritation.

Service Interruption!

brainspillage.com may go offline for a few days while I sort out my domain name. I want to switch to a different company. Hang tight!

www.brainspillage.com might be available at brain-spillage.blogspot.com at that time though.

1st Session

Have completed Day 1 of the confined (pool) water sessions. Day 2 tomorrow. Very tired. Will blog about it another day when I have the energy. All I have to say is that it was fun! I now have a strange sensation like I'm still floating around still though.

Blacktip

Open water session has been changed to Bubbles Diving Resort. They have a 'house reef'. Quaint name for the natural reef off their shore. I just had a look at their website. They claim to have blacktip reef sharks.

This is a blacktip reef shark.

Isn't it cute?

This is also a blacktip reef shark.


Obviously the one in the first picture is a little one. The kind you find in house reefs. Hahah! If I met the mommy shark in the second picture while diving, I'd shit myself and then some.

Ghost in the House

I read Nick's blog and he opened with scratchings from the ceiling. Although it has no relation to this latest flashback, it reminded me of something my friends and I got up to in the dirty bastard teen aged years.

I've told this story many times to much mirth but have not blogged about it for some reason. Celebrating April Fool's Day with this little joke. Mean as it is.

There are a number of factors in this story to consider before getting into the details.

#1. The antagonists. A bunch of us Ipoh guys were in Subang Jaya studying in various colleges. Away from home and out from under the parental thumb for the first time.

#2. The annoying cousin. My friend, Alex, stayed in his uncle's house in SS15 with his female cousin. His uncle had been transferred to Jakarta and wasn't around. Female cousin, MY for this story, once rendered a room full of otherwise very loud boys speechless once. We were once watching TV and commenting on the various female body shapes and builds appearing in the ads. A voice piped up from the back. "Actually my body also quite proportionate one...." She had a body like a beer keg!

#3. The faulty cassette player. When it recorded from it's mic, it didn't erase and record over what was previously on the tape. What was recorded played with whatever was there previously enabling us to multitrack.

#4. The child's pull toy. Remember those things with the string that you pulled and it'd play a song? Very eerie at night in the dark. The idea stemmed from the fact that once one guy pulled on the string in the dark and no one knew what it was and where it was coming from. Having Are You Sleeping Brother John tinkling in the dark with no obvious source was quite unnerving.

#5. The hole in the ceiling. The cousins' bedrooms were next to each other. On my friend's side, an asbestos panel in the ceiling could be pushed out of the way.

#6. The idea that grew. It started with the cassette player and the pull toy and the snoring.

Let's start with the snoring. Joe insisted his room mate, Hoong Chiew snored like an angry beehive to which was regarded by the culprit as fiction. One night Joe recorded it and played it the next day to a room full of guys at the volume he claimed it to be in reality. Much mirth abounded. This was shortly after the Pull Toy Incident. Someone came up with the bright idea of recording the pull toy. On playback, it was discovered that the cassette player was faulty. We had a mix of the pull toy and Hoong Chiew's snoring. After the laughter subsided naturally The Idea emerged and more sounds were put into the mix. Chains rattling. Some clown going 'woooooooooo' in a stereotypical imitation of a ghost. Another clown moaning MY's name. Various moans and groans which built up in volume and number of voices to a climax. Laughter which wasn't intentional but it hard not to in a mob environment.

That night the plan was put into action. The asbestos panel was removed. The speakers put into the ceiling and pushed over MY's room. I'd imagine anyone in the other room would have a very hard time tracing the source of the sounds. All that was left was to push the play button.

What an anti climax. We'd expected her to burst out of her room trailing muslin and hair curlers screaming for protection.

NOTHING HAPPENED.

A number of scenarios were discussed. The first one was that she slept like the dead. The next scenario assumed that she was dead. From a fatal heart attack from the fear. Sam was sent out to moan her name and bang on her door.

NOTHING HAPPENED.

With much disappointment, the speakers were removed and the panel replaced.

The next morning, we were asked if we heard anything 'strange' the night before. Success! Trying to keep the triumph out of our expressions and voices we strenuously denied we did. And the very next day, she brought over her church group from her college (INTI, if anyone's interested) and held a prayer/exorcism. Everyone held hands in a circle in the house. They called on God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit to banish the demons and devils in the house....

....not knowing that there were a few devils in the circle holding hands!

Hahahah!

Asshole Gallery #1

Yay! It's something new for my blog! It's the Asshole Gallery! Piss me off on the road with bad behaviour and if you're a lucky lucky fellow in the chance that I am either stationary or have someone take the photo for me, you'll be an instant inductee into the gallery! I'm not going to be a candidate for the gallery myself and try to take a picture while I'm driving. And also NO. I'm NOT blanking out number plates if they're visible.



And here we have.... the very first inductee into the asshole gallery! This is the turning into Mont Kiara. You'll notice Asshole #1 to be waiting in the middle of two lanes over the broken lines separating the lanes. Left lane is to go straight and right lane is to turn right into Mont Kiara. This is because Asshole #1 is waiting for the lights to change so he can zoom up on everyone's left and turn from the outer lane. What a classic case of cutting queue. Asshole #1 also did a good job of pissing off drivers going straight because drivers of larger cars had to slow down to squeeze past him.



And this on the same day is Asshole #2. This is at the Riana Green traffic light where the school is. Asshole #2 is in the lane to go straight but he's going to cut across me and turn left. If you're wondering where the traffic light is, he's gone past it. The taxi you see on my right and I are lined up where the lights are. Hell, he's damn near even gone past the pedestrian crossing.

Let's hear it for the first two inductees into the Asshole Gallery! Yay!!!!

Assholes....

Swim

No, I haven't been lazy, I've been busy. Hence blog didn't get updated. We did the study review and Open Water Certification exam on the weekend and aced it! I scored 96% and Nat scored 94%. Woohoo! Gear fitting was done as well. We got to pull on expensive bits of diving equipment. Next week is the confined water sessions in the pool.

Just one change. The resort at Tioman has been fully booked. This means we're going to Perhentian instead. At least I'm not worrying about driving all the way to Mersing anymore. We'll be flying to Kota Bharu instead. Thank goodness for Air Asia.

First, we have to pass a swim test. After the exam and all that, we headed off to the pool to swim. Nat won't have any trouble. She did the requisite 200m and more. I however, am in trouble. I can't seem to manage it without getting really really tired. I'm also sunk (what a pun!) with the 10 minutes unassisted float. It's basically staying afloat any old how without any floatation device/assist. I naturally sink like a stone. I have no idea why. It takes me back to when my mum tried to teach me to float when I was still a pre-school kid.

We have a pond in the front of the house. One time it was cleaned out and refilled. No fish. My sister and I played in it every day. My mum thought she'd teach me to float. She supported my body and she told me to relax. I distinctly remember wondering what 'relax' meant! Anyway, everytime she let go, I sank. Instantly. It seems to be no different now about 30 years later.

I guess I'll have to tread water for ten minutes.

Sigh....

The pool sessions, as I've mentioned, are this weekend. I'm not going to be able to play with scuba gear if I can't swim the 200m or stay afloat for 10 minutes!

Sigh....

Ya'all gotta excuse me. I'm going swimming. Every day. Till the weekend.

Sigh....

Dive

The dates leading up to our first open water dive in Tioman are coming closer and closer. This weekend is gear fitting, study review and test. The weekend after that is the confined water dives. A couple of weeks after that is a refresher course in confined water and then another weekend and it's the actual open water dives and an extra day for leisure dives.

I am looking forward to it although I am a little afraid of it. It's something I've always, always wanted to do.

I grew up on Jacques Cousteau's adventures on TV. My dad has a book of his with many many colour illustrations. I used to pull the book out on lazy afternoons and look at the pictures over and over again. Then I'd get in trouble for not putting it back over and over again! My uncle is a marine biologist. I've pretty much always been in wonder and awe of the sea. The multitude of colour and life on reefs and the vastness of deep water has always fascinated me. Of course, watching Jaws 2 when I was 6 years old wasn't a good idea.

I would like to think that I'm not blindly going into recreational scuba diving. I would also like to think that I'm not going to be arrogant about it, thinking I already know a lot about it. I've not done it, how can I know? I might know the theory behind the diving and the names of many sea creatures and which ones are dangerous but when I jump in for the first time, I am going to assume I know nothing. It is a safe enough activity but naturally there are risks. The most obvious being human beings can't breathe underwater. Other obvious factors are that the sea can be a dangerous place. There're things that can bite, sting, cut, snag and generally fuck a person up. Then there are the not so obvious things. Underwater navigation, oxygen poisoning, nitrogen narcosis, decompression sickness, lung overexpansion, dive time and depth, currents and a whole heap of other things. If someone thinks he can just put on the gear, jump in and swim about like The Little Mermaid is going to be seriously injured or get killed.

I watched Water Horse a few days ago. I remember thinking that the little kid was going to have severe lung injuries and quite likely ruptured ear drums as well. But that's just bitching. It is a movie after all.

I hope I can open a new world not just for myself but for Nat as well. I hope she will love it but somehow I think she will once the pressure and stress of the tests are over.

Pictures next month.

P.S. 2008 is International Year of the Reef!

Plant Growth

Well, bitch about something and have to deal with the situation all over again.

Last night I was pottering about the back porch late at night when I heard a kitten mewing. I thought it was either coming from the garden shed or the stack of pots beside the shed. I grabbed a torch and went looking.

Nope. Not in the garden shed. Not among the pots either. Then I shine the torch light downwards.

Kitten. Newly born.

!@#$%^&*

I put it in a box with newspapers and leave it in the garden shed with the door open. It didn't survive the night unfortunately.

It's fertilizer now.

What's in a name?

Discussions not to have in public: Names you would NOT give to your children.

For the simple reasons such as:

1. You know too many people with the name.
2. You don't like the name.
3. You don't like somebody who goes by the name.
4. It's not the sort of name you'd name your kids.
5. It's a plain stupid name for a little chinese kid to have.

Anyway, the list got long and it's only a matter of time before you hit someone near you who may or may not be intentionally listening. One girl walked off with in a huff. She quite likely goes by one of these names:

Doris, Phyllis, Mabel, Gladys, Arthur, Albert, Aloysius, William, Marion, Fanny (pussy in England, ass in the US), Britney (for obvious reasons), Paris (for Obvious OBVIOUS reasons), Tata (the name of a little Eurasian ho' and an Indian motor manufacturer), Jamie, Lynn, Traci, Brittany, Chloe (Aussie stripper name), Zoe (Aussie stripper name), Christina, Cynthia (for some reason, most Cynthias I know are rather naughty), Madison (not even a proper name until the movie Splash!), George (tea and crumpets with that?), Elizabeth, Victoria, Henry, Herbert, Hector, Molly, Carol, Jenna (porn name, 41 women have used the name according to IAFD), Ashley (porn name, 141 women, source: IAFD), Shanice, Connor (white name), Wyatt (Super White name), Dylan, Tyrone (black name), Benjamin, Michael (other kids will call him Mai Kai Tan because kids are mean little bastards), Samuel (too bible for me), John (John is slang for the toilet, a prostitute's customer, and add 'Doe' and you've got an unidentified dead body), Jane (Plain Jane, Jane Doe), Peter (slang for penis though it doesn't sound like one particularly impressive in size, length and girth), Richard (in England, Dick is short for Richard, don't ask me why) Tiffany (I always think of a spoilt little rich bitch, probably because of the jewelery company), Jessie (popular self bestowed name from my time), Ricky (popular self bestowed name from my parents time), Brandon, Fiona (a slut I knew and I mean a slut), and on and on (my head hurts).

No abbreviated names (or cute names). I'd rather give a full name and abbreviate it myself informally. No Andy, Billy, Mickey, Vicky, Ricky, Dicky, Nicky, Rick, Dick, Nick, Terry, Davy, Danny, Frankie, Larry, Robbie and crappy likey that.

Also no names which are obviously going to explode with this generation. No David (of 1.3 million Davids on planet Earth born in the last 6 years, 680 000 of them are named after David Beckham primarily by middle class asian families. Well. No. I made that up!), Wayne, Steven, Gerrard, Britney, Ronald (anyone dare add an 'o'?), I know one Malay kid is named Zidain in tribute to the mad head butting French genius (before the head butting incident though). My footy buddy Ross named his kid, Kino after Roy Keane then discovered the alternate spelling is a Japanese casino game. Sometimes kids get named after celebrities. My friend Kevin is named after Kevin Keagan. Someone special I know is named after Natalie Wood. Heck, I knew a girl named Domino, her dad's a James Bond fan. It'd be a great story if her sisters' names were Pussy, Kissy, Bibi and had chinese names like Chew Mee. Unfortunately for this story, they have rather normal names. Still, I dare asian families to name their kids Beyonce and Rihanna.

And finally - English Names Chinese Stars Give Themselves - Hakken, Koma, Banky, Chelsia, Natalis, Power, Sammul, Clifton, Devily, Loletta, Gallen, Halina, Tavia, Ridley, Myolie, and on and on and on. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before There's an Orgasm Lee or a Clitoris Lam.

If you go by one of those names, no offense meant eh? What worked for your parents (assuming if you have an English name, it's one you didn't give yourself) might not work for me. For the record, I don't have and I don't use an English name. I don't go by any name my folks didn't give me. Many of my old schoolmates go by English names now. To make it easier for work I guess. I refuse to.

Names are important. Your kid's identity relies on your judgement. Unless you can afford the psychiatric bills eh? Go Moon Unit!

Signs and Profound Announcements

It's been a day of written signs for me. I have no idea why I took more notice of them today but fact is, I did.

The first one was when I was going to the Damansara Specialist Centre with Nat. I noticed beside a house, a home painted sign which said, "NO DOG SHIT". Seriously. I could have pissed myself laughing on the spot. I do understand the feeling of frustration this poor house owner is feeling. I myself have debated the wisdom of a number of actions I could follow regarding my problem with the cats in my neighbourhood.

The first is to shoot them and bury them in the garden. Instant fertilizer. The obvious flaw in my plan: no gun. I also had intended to murder these pesky pussies and stick their little heads on spikes in front of their owners' houses. The trouble is of course, I would have to figure out how to kill them and I also don't think I can stomach decapitating cats in the back yard. AND after that I'd have to identify which cat belonged to which house.

Ding! Dong! Excuse me? Is this your cat? Yes? Splork! Splork? That's the sound of a cat head being stuck on a spike. Not likely to happen.

I had also thought of leaving out poison so that the cat would eat it and go back and die in their own houses saving me disposal issues.

I didn't use to hate cats. Now I positively despise them. My garden shed, front porch and back yard smells of cat pee and my garden smells of cat crap. My walls and drain pipes are muddy with cat prints. Our cars are left with paw prints and scratches. They yowl and fight all fucking night.

If I owned a shot gun I'd have very healthy plants.

The whole problem is that pet owners just won't be responsible for their pets. These cats in the first place should not be allowed to be running around pissing off the neighbours. I've had my umbrellas, shoes, gardening gloves, boxes, and porches pissed on. Anyone know what cat pee smells like? It fuckin' stinks okay? And not to say I've been mean to any cats. One cat give birth to kittens on my back porch. I let it stay there until it was ready to take the kittens away. I'm really irritated with the owners of the neighbourhood cats though.

Okay! Next sign. At the Damansara Specialist Centre itself. Saw this guy smoking outside the building in a quiet corner. I didn't at first see a No Smoking sign. Then I did. He was standing on it. Whether he ripped it off the wall and stood on it to hide the evidence, I dunno. But it was a sight to see anyway. LOL!

Next was a car outside the Specialist Centre. It had Classic Mecca Cola advertising all over it. And a Halal sticker.... Halal cola? Is there such a thing?

The third sign was at a bank where I went to open an account immediately after leaving the Specialist Centre. It was one that, to me, was very Japanese in the Super Happy Fun kind of way. I verified my thumb print to my IC. I would have expected the message on screen to say "Positive Match" or "Verified". It didn't. It said "Triumphant Match"! Why, I'm not quite sure!

Anyway, it's late. I should be getting some sleep. Night all!

Down Payment

Ah....! The memories.... All came flooding back and I've still got it. What is it? Well.... negotiating a price for one. Two is the thrill of the game. Three is that I'm still good at it.

Quite simply it was negotiating the trade in price of a car and the price of a new car. A Wira Aeroback for a new Vios.

And I must admit some disappointment along the way. And it's all to do with Toyota sales people. I went to three different Toyota dealerships to get the best price possible. One thing I do know now is that Toyotas sell themselves. Their sales staff are pretty much not very good. To be fair, just the ones I dealt with although I must say that at the Aman Suria dealership, it wasn't really the guy's fault. He's young and 2 months into his first job.

We live in an area where we have many dealerships to choose from. Too bad for them. When buying a new car, always, always play them off each other to get the best deal. They are after sales targets don't forget. I have TTDI, Aman Suria, Dataran Sunway, Bangsar and Section 19 to choose from.

Dealer 1. TTDI dealership. The sales woman sided the second hand dealer for the trade in and his first price was a full two and a half thousand what I finally negotiated in the end with the dealer we put the down payment with. Sales woman didn't handle herself well for someone who should have experience behind her. Not impressed. One pushy broad with eyes only to sell as quick as possible and commit us to a down payment.

Dealer 2. Dataran Sunway, Kota Damansara. Sales man handled himself well. Second hand dealer on hand at the showroom. Made a reasonable offer. Sided customer in negotiation with second hand dealer. One thousand more than TTDI's final offer on trade in. Appeared quite professional. He shot himself in the foot after I rang him later to tell him I got a better price from the Aman Suria dealer. Lost his composure and became pushy.

Dealer 3. Aman Suria. Young guy who seems somewhat unsure of what he's doing. 2 months into the job and 4 cars sold so far. Committed to a trade in price 500 bucks more than Dataran Sunway. Obviously desperate for a sale. Messed up trying to get the trade in guy to view the car although I didn't hold it against him. Committed to a price two and a half thousand more than the first offer we got. I shook on it and we booked the car the very next day. We were pleased to give him the sale though we think he's too sweet a guy to be a sales person. Anyway, if you're buying a new Toyota, go see Edward at the Aman Suria showroom. You can tell him the Mr. Tan who bullied him over the trade in of a Wira for a Vios sent you. LOL!

Perhaps I should sell cars to pass the time. Although it will be very different on the other end of the stick. One thing I've always realised is that the guy with the buying power and a few choices always has the advantage. Don't you forget it eh?

Something new

I a couple of weeks, I'm going, with Nat, for the confined water sessions of what is to certify the both of us as PADI Open Water Divers. For me, this is something I've always wanted to do. On one side, I can't really wait; and on the other I'm feeling nervous to take the plunge. Only for the fact that I am finally about to embark on a long, long awaited journey. I supposed I'm afraid I may find it too difficult or that I may not like it or panic and die in 3 feet of water.

The trauma of being taken to see Jaws 2 when I was 5 or 6 by my parents should not be a factor. Hahaha! Mum.... it wasn't a good idea. I was frightened of even taking a bath after that!

Should be fun.

Catching up

Wow. I have so much catching up to do with everyone's blog....

The Dangers of Voting

I was in Penang on 8th March. I had accompanied my girlfriend back to Penang so's she could cast her vote. We spent a couple of nights in Penang getting fat and wandering around and made our way back home via Ipoh (where I'm from) that day itself. I won't get into the political aspect of things this post. Penang caused quite a stir and while I was in Penang we visited my aunt and uncle who are quite actively interested in politics. What I'm going to be blogging about is something entirely different.

After spending some time with my parents in Ipoh, we were making our way back home by way of the North-South Highway. It was raining and the roads were wet. If you'd been traveling that day in the evening, you might have noticed the massive jam between Bidor and Tapah. Here's how it looked from my eyes.

I had been driving. It was my shift. She drove from Penang to Ipoh and I drove back from Ipoh after lunch. It had been raining. It was still raining lightly as I broached the crest of a 'hill' and there at the bottom were two cars who had obviously come into some contact with each other. One car was parked on the side in the emergency lane and the other was stationary in the left lane where I was. I didn't want to pull into the right lane as I didn't know what was there and what was coming. I braked gradually and turned on the hazard lights. A quick glance in the rear view mirror told me the car behind me was pretty clued in as I saw his hazard lights come on as well. I slowed to a stop behind the car blocking the left lane. There was a guy standing beside that car. He was trying to open an umbrella. The car was empty. The man had either been travelling alone or the occupants were out of the car already. The accident must have just happened as (i) the driver hadn't even gotten his umbrella open; and (ii) the batch of the cars I was leading pulled right up to the accident scene.

Once I had the car stopped. I had wanted to look in the side mirror to see if I could go around the car. I didn't even have the chance. I saw a flash of white fly by on my right. The car was going fast and it was already skidding, out of control. What happened next was a curious mixture of slow motion and blink-and-you'll-miss-it. The car already going sideways, hit the divider on the right and was flung into the car in front of me. I'm still very thankful he didn't slam into me. I remember bits flying everywhere. The car ended up in the drain on the left behind the other stopped car.

I'll always remember the look on the face of the guy trying to open his umbrella. He looked like he'd shit himself. He was standing next to his car when the other car slammed into it and mercifully, it missed him and he wasn't hit by any of the flying debris either. He hadn't managed to get his umbrella open either but I don't think he really cared at that precise point in time.

Here's the thing, the original accident had happened in the trough of two crests. The guy in the white car had a lot of time to see and react to what happened like I and the guy in the car behind me (kudos to you sir, whoever you are) did.

Much later when I was back on my way home, my mum rings me to ask if I'd been caught in "a massive jam between Bidor and Tapah". I only gave my mum the full story later when I'd reached home.

What I've learnt/re-enforced/realised:

1. Shit happens.

2. Most Malaysians don't know how to drive. We just get taught how to pass our driving test which itself is already laughable.

3. I don't panic under pressure and where instant decision is needed. In fact my heart rate didn't increase but stayed normal.

4. When it's raining, some people actually speed up thinking that there will definitely be no speed traps.

5. Stopping 2 tons of fast moving metal is really really hard to do with limited time and space, especially in wet weather.

6. The guy holding the umbrella at that precise point in time was the luckiest bastard on planet earth. Although he might have needed to change his underwear after that. Assuming he wears underwear that is.

You all be safe on the roads now okay?