Asshole Gallery #1

Yay! It's something new for my blog! It's the Asshole Gallery! Piss me off on the road with bad behaviour and if you're a lucky lucky fellow in the chance that I am either stationary or have someone take the photo for me, you'll be an instant inductee into the gallery! I'm not going to be a candidate for the gallery myself and try to take a picture while I'm driving. And also NO. I'm NOT blanking out number plates if they're visible.



And here we have.... the very first inductee into the asshole gallery! This is the turning into Mont Kiara. You'll notice Asshole #1 to be waiting in the middle of two lanes over the broken lines separating the lanes. Left lane is to go straight and right lane is to turn right into Mont Kiara. This is because Asshole #1 is waiting for the lights to change so he can zoom up on everyone's left and turn from the outer lane. What a classic case of cutting queue. Asshole #1 also did a good job of pissing off drivers going straight because drivers of larger cars had to slow down to squeeze past him.



And this on the same day is Asshole #2. This is at the Riana Green traffic light where the school is. Asshole #2 is in the lane to go straight but he's going to cut across me and turn left. If you're wondering where the traffic light is, he's gone past it. The taxi you see on my right and I are lined up where the lights are. Hell, he's damn near even gone past the pedestrian crossing.

Let's hear it for the first two inductees into the Asshole Gallery! Yay!!!!

Assholes....

Swim

No, I haven't been lazy, I've been busy. Hence blog didn't get updated. We did the study review and Open Water Certification exam on the weekend and aced it! I scored 96% and Nat scored 94%. Woohoo! Gear fitting was done as well. We got to pull on expensive bits of diving equipment. Next week is the confined water sessions in the pool.

Just one change. The resort at Tioman has been fully booked. This means we're going to Perhentian instead. At least I'm not worrying about driving all the way to Mersing anymore. We'll be flying to Kota Bharu instead. Thank goodness for Air Asia.

First, we have to pass a swim test. After the exam and all that, we headed off to the pool to swim. Nat won't have any trouble. She did the requisite 200m and more. I however, am in trouble. I can't seem to manage it without getting really really tired. I'm also sunk (what a pun!) with the 10 minutes unassisted float. It's basically staying afloat any old how without any floatation device/assist. I naturally sink like a stone. I have no idea why. It takes me back to when my mum tried to teach me to float when I was still a pre-school kid.

We have a pond in the front of the house. One time it was cleaned out and refilled. No fish. My sister and I played in it every day. My mum thought she'd teach me to float. She supported my body and she told me to relax. I distinctly remember wondering what 'relax' meant! Anyway, everytime she let go, I sank. Instantly. It seems to be no different now about 30 years later.

I guess I'll have to tread water for ten minutes.

Sigh....

The pool sessions, as I've mentioned, are this weekend. I'm not going to be able to play with scuba gear if I can't swim the 200m or stay afloat for 10 minutes!

Sigh....

Ya'all gotta excuse me. I'm going swimming. Every day. Till the weekend.

Sigh....

Dive

The dates leading up to our first open water dive in Tioman are coming closer and closer. This weekend is gear fitting, study review and test. The weekend after that is the confined water dives. A couple of weeks after that is a refresher course in confined water and then another weekend and it's the actual open water dives and an extra day for leisure dives.

I am looking forward to it although I am a little afraid of it. It's something I've always, always wanted to do.

I grew up on Jacques Cousteau's adventures on TV. My dad has a book of his with many many colour illustrations. I used to pull the book out on lazy afternoons and look at the pictures over and over again. Then I'd get in trouble for not putting it back over and over again! My uncle is a marine biologist. I've pretty much always been in wonder and awe of the sea. The multitude of colour and life on reefs and the vastness of deep water has always fascinated me. Of course, watching Jaws 2 when I was 6 years old wasn't a good idea.

I would like to think that I'm not blindly going into recreational scuba diving. I would also like to think that I'm not going to be arrogant about it, thinking I already know a lot about it. I've not done it, how can I know? I might know the theory behind the diving and the names of many sea creatures and which ones are dangerous but when I jump in for the first time, I am going to assume I know nothing. It is a safe enough activity but naturally there are risks. The most obvious being human beings can't breathe underwater. Other obvious factors are that the sea can be a dangerous place. There're things that can bite, sting, cut, snag and generally fuck a person up. Then there are the not so obvious things. Underwater navigation, oxygen poisoning, nitrogen narcosis, decompression sickness, lung overexpansion, dive time and depth, currents and a whole heap of other things. If someone thinks he can just put on the gear, jump in and swim about like The Little Mermaid is going to be seriously injured or get killed.

I watched Water Horse a few days ago. I remember thinking that the little kid was going to have severe lung injuries and quite likely ruptured ear drums as well. But that's just bitching. It is a movie after all.

I hope I can open a new world not just for myself but for Nat as well. I hope she will love it but somehow I think she will once the pressure and stress of the tests are over.

Pictures next month.

P.S. 2008 is International Year of the Reef!

Plant Growth

Well, bitch about something and have to deal with the situation all over again.

Last night I was pottering about the back porch late at night when I heard a kitten mewing. I thought it was either coming from the garden shed or the stack of pots beside the shed. I grabbed a torch and went looking.

Nope. Not in the garden shed. Not among the pots either. Then I shine the torch light downwards.

Kitten. Newly born.

!@#$%^&*

I put it in a box with newspapers and leave it in the garden shed with the door open. It didn't survive the night unfortunately.

It's fertilizer now.

What's in a name?

Discussions not to have in public: Names you would NOT give to your children.

For the simple reasons such as:

1. You know too many people with the name.
2. You don't like the name.
3. You don't like somebody who goes by the name.
4. It's not the sort of name you'd name your kids.
5. It's a plain stupid name for a little chinese kid to have.

Anyway, the list got long and it's only a matter of time before you hit someone near you who may or may not be intentionally listening. One girl walked off with in a huff. She quite likely goes by one of these names:

Doris, Phyllis, Mabel, Gladys, Arthur, Albert, Aloysius, William, Marion, Fanny (pussy in England, ass in the US), Britney (for obvious reasons), Paris (for Obvious OBVIOUS reasons), Tata (the name of a little Eurasian ho' and an Indian motor manufacturer), Jamie, Lynn, Traci, Brittany, Chloe (Aussie stripper name), Zoe (Aussie stripper name), Christina, Cynthia (for some reason, most Cynthias I know are rather naughty), Madison (not even a proper name until the movie Splash!), George (tea and crumpets with that?), Elizabeth, Victoria, Henry, Herbert, Hector, Molly, Carol, Jenna (porn name, 41 women have used the name according to IAFD), Ashley (porn name, 141 women, source: IAFD), Shanice, Connor (white name), Wyatt (Super White name), Dylan, Tyrone (black name), Benjamin, Michael (other kids will call him Mai Kai Tan because kids are mean little bastards), Samuel (too bible for me), John (John is slang for the toilet, a prostitute's customer, and add 'Doe' and you've got an unidentified dead body), Jane (Plain Jane, Jane Doe), Peter (slang for penis though it doesn't sound like one particularly impressive in size, length and girth), Richard (in England, Dick is short for Richard, don't ask me why) Tiffany (I always think of a spoilt little rich bitch, probably because of the jewelery company), Jessie (popular self bestowed name from my time), Ricky (popular self bestowed name from my parents time), Brandon, Fiona (a slut I knew and I mean a slut), and on and on (my head hurts).

No abbreviated names (or cute names). I'd rather give a full name and abbreviate it myself informally. No Andy, Billy, Mickey, Vicky, Ricky, Dicky, Nicky, Rick, Dick, Nick, Terry, Davy, Danny, Frankie, Larry, Robbie and crappy likey that.

Also no names which are obviously going to explode with this generation. No David (of 1.3 million Davids on planet Earth born in the last 6 years, 680 000 of them are named after David Beckham primarily by middle class asian families. Well. No. I made that up!), Wayne, Steven, Gerrard, Britney, Ronald (anyone dare add an 'o'?), I know one Malay kid is named Zidain in tribute to the mad head butting French genius (before the head butting incident though). My footy buddy Ross named his kid, Kino after Roy Keane then discovered the alternate spelling is a Japanese casino game. Sometimes kids get named after celebrities. My friend Kevin is named after Kevin Keagan. Someone special I know is named after Natalie Wood. Heck, I knew a girl named Domino, her dad's a James Bond fan. It'd be a great story if her sisters' names were Pussy, Kissy, Bibi and had chinese names like Chew Mee. Unfortunately for this story, they have rather normal names. Still, I dare asian families to name their kids Beyonce and Rihanna.

And finally - English Names Chinese Stars Give Themselves - Hakken, Koma, Banky, Chelsia, Natalis, Power, Sammul, Clifton, Devily, Loletta, Gallen, Halina, Tavia, Ridley, Myolie, and on and on and on. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before There's an Orgasm Lee or a Clitoris Lam.

If you go by one of those names, no offense meant eh? What worked for your parents (assuming if you have an English name, it's one you didn't give yourself) might not work for me. For the record, I don't have and I don't use an English name. I don't go by any name my folks didn't give me. Many of my old schoolmates go by English names now. To make it easier for work I guess. I refuse to.

Names are important. Your kid's identity relies on your judgement. Unless you can afford the psychiatric bills eh? Go Moon Unit!

Signs and Profound Announcements

It's been a day of written signs for me. I have no idea why I took more notice of them today but fact is, I did.

The first one was when I was going to the Damansara Specialist Centre with Nat. I noticed beside a house, a home painted sign which said, "NO DOG SHIT". Seriously. I could have pissed myself laughing on the spot. I do understand the feeling of frustration this poor house owner is feeling. I myself have debated the wisdom of a number of actions I could follow regarding my problem with the cats in my neighbourhood.

The first is to shoot them and bury them in the garden. Instant fertilizer. The obvious flaw in my plan: no gun. I also had intended to murder these pesky pussies and stick their little heads on spikes in front of their owners' houses. The trouble is of course, I would have to figure out how to kill them and I also don't think I can stomach decapitating cats in the back yard. AND after that I'd have to identify which cat belonged to which house.

Ding! Dong! Excuse me? Is this your cat? Yes? Splork! Splork? That's the sound of a cat head being stuck on a spike. Not likely to happen.

I had also thought of leaving out poison so that the cat would eat it and go back and die in their own houses saving me disposal issues.

I didn't use to hate cats. Now I positively despise them. My garden shed, front porch and back yard smells of cat pee and my garden smells of cat crap. My walls and drain pipes are muddy with cat prints. Our cars are left with paw prints and scratches. They yowl and fight all fucking night.

If I owned a shot gun I'd have very healthy plants.

The whole problem is that pet owners just won't be responsible for their pets. These cats in the first place should not be allowed to be running around pissing off the neighbours. I've had my umbrellas, shoes, gardening gloves, boxes, and porches pissed on. Anyone know what cat pee smells like? It fuckin' stinks okay? And not to say I've been mean to any cats. One cat give birth to kittens on my back porch. I let it stay there until it was ready to take the kittens away. I'm really irritated with the owners of the neighbourhood cats though.

Okay! Next sign. At the Damansara Specialist Centre itself. Saw this guy smoking outside the building in a quiet corner. I didn't at first see a No Smoking sign. Then I did. He was standing on it. Whether he ripped it off the wall and stood on it to hide the evidence, I dunno. But it was a sight to see anyway. LOL!

Next was a car outside the Specialist Centre. It had Classic Mecca Cola advertising all over it. And a Halal sticker.... Halal cola? Is there such a thing?

The third sign was at a bank where I went to open an account immediately after leaving the Specialist Centre. It was one that, to me, was very Japanese in the Super Happy Fun kind of way. I verified my thumb print to my IC. I would have expected the message on screen to say "Positive Match" or "Verified". It didn't. It said "Triumphant Match"! Why, I'm not quite sure!

Anyway, it's late. I should be getting some sleep. Night all!

Down Payment

Ah....! The memories.... All came flooding back and I've still got it. What is it? Well.... negotiating a price for one. Two is the thrill of the game. Three is that I'm still good at it.

Quite simply it was negotiating the trade in price of a car and the price of a new car. A Wira Aeroback for a new Vios.

And I must admit some disappointment along the way. And it's all to do with Toyota sales people. I went to three different Toyota dealerships to get the best price possible. One thing I do know now is that Toyotas sell themselves. Their sales staff are pretty much not very good. To be fair, just the ones I dealt with although I must say that at the Aman Suria dealership, it wasn't really the guy's fault. He's young and 2 months into his first job.

We live in an area where we have many dealerships to choose from. Too bad for them. When buying a new car, always, always play them off each other to get the best deal. They are after sales targets don't forget. I have TTDI, Aman Suria, Dataran Sunway, Bangsar and Section 19 to choose from.

Dealer 1. TTDI dealership. The sales woman sided the second hand dealer for the trade in and his first price was a full two and a half thousand what I finally negotiated in the end with the dealer we put the down payment with. Sales woman didn't handle herself well for someone who should have experience behind her. Not impressed. One pushy broad with eyes only to sell as quick as possible and commit us to a down payment.

Dealer 2. Dataran Sunway, Kota Damansara. Sales man handled himself well. Second hand dealer on hand at the showroom. Made a reasonable offer. Sided customer in negotiation with second hand dealer. One thousand more than TTDI's final offer on trade in. Appeared quite professional. He shot himself in the foot after I rang him later to tell him I got a better price from the Aman Suria dealer. Lost his composure and became pushy.

Dealer 3. Aman Suria. Young guy who seems somewhat unsure of what he's doing. 2 months into the job and 4 cars sold so far. Committed to a trade in price 500 bucks more than Dataran Sunway. Obviously desperate for a sale. Messed up trying to get the trade in guy to view the car although I didn't hold it against him. Committed to a price two and a half thousand more than the first offer we got. I shook on it and we booked the car the very next day. We were pleased to give him the sale though we think he's too sweet a guy to be a sales person. Anyway, if you're buying a new Toyota, go see Edward at the Aman Suria showroom. You can tell him the Mr. Tan who bullied him over the trade in of a Wira for a Vios sent you. LOL!

Perhaps I should sell cars to pass the time. Although it will be very different on the other end of the stick. One thing I've always realised is that the guy with the buying power and a few choices always has the advantage. Don't you forget it eh?

Something new

I a couple of weeks, I'm going, with Nat, for the confined water sessions of what is to certify the both of us as PADI Open Water Divers. For me, this is something I've always wanted to do. On one side, I can't really wait; and on the other I'm feeling nervous to take the plunge. Only for the fact that I am finally about to embark on a long, long awaited journey. I supposed I'm afraid I may find it too difficult or that I may not like it or panic and die in 3 feet of water.

The trauma of being taken to see Jaws 2 when I was 5 or 6 by my parents should not be a factor. Hahaha! Mum.... it wasn't a good idea. I was frightened of even taking a bath after that!

Should be fun.

Catching up

Wow. I have so much catching up to do with everyone's blog....

The Dangers of Voting

I was in Penang on 8th March. I had accompanied my girlfriend back to Penang so's she could cast her vote. We spent a couple of nights in Penang getting fat and wandering around and made our way back home via Ipoh (where I'm from) that day itself. I won't get into the political aspect of things this post. Penang caused quite a stir and while I was in Penang we visited my aunt and uncle who are quite actively interested in politics. What I'm going to be blogging about is something entirely different.

After spending some time with my parents in Ipoh, we were making our way back home by way of the North-South Highway. It was raining and the roads were wet. If you'd been traveling that day in the evening, you might have noticed the massive jam between Bidor and Tapah. Here's how it looked from my eyes.

I had been driving. It was my shift. She drove from Penang to Ipoh and I drove back from Ipoh after lunch. It had been raining. It was still raining lightly as I broached the crest of a 'hill' and there at the bottom were two cars who had obviously come into some contact with each other. One car was parked on the side in the emergency lane and the other was stationary in the left lane where I was. I didn't want to pull into the right lane as I didn't know what was there and what was coming. I braked gradually and turned on the hazard lights. A quick glance in the rear view mirror told me the car behind me was pretty clued in as I saw his hazard lights come on as well. I slowed to a stop behind the car blocking the left lane. There was a guy standing beside that car. He was trying to open an umbrella. The car was empty. The man had either been travelling alone or the occupants were out of the car already. The accident must have just happened as (i) the driver hadn't even gotten his umbrella open; and (ii) the batch of the cars I was leading pulled right up to the accident scene.

Once I had the car stopped. I had wanted to look in the side mirror to see if I could go around the car. I didn't even have the chance. I saw a flash of white fly by on my right. The car was going fast and it was already skidding, out of control. What happened next was a curious mixture of slow motion and blink-and-you'll-miss-it. The car already going sideways, hit the divider on the right and was flung into the car in front of me. I'm still very thankful he didn't slam into me. I remember bits flying everywhere. The car ended up in the drain on the left behind the other stopped car.

I'll always remember the look on the face of the guy trying to open his umbrella. He looked like he'd shit himself. He was standing next to his car when the other car slammed into it and mercifully, it missed him and he wasn't hit by any of the flying debris either. He hadn't managed to get his umbrella open either but I don't think he really cared at that precise point in time.

Here's the thing, the original accident had happened in the trough of two crests. The guy in the white car had a lot of time to see and react to what happened like I and the guy in the car behind me (kudos to you sir, whoever you are) did.

Much later when I was back on my way home, my mum rings me to ask if I'd been caught in "a massive jam between Bidor and Tapah". I only gave my mum the full story later when I'd reached home.

What I've learnt/re-enforced/realised:

1. Shit happens.

2. Most Malaysians don't know how to drive. We just get taught how to pass our driving test which itself is already laughable.

3. I don't panic under pressure and where instant decision is needed. In fact my heart rate didn't increase but stayed normal.

4. When it's raining, some people actually speed up thinking that there will definitely be no speed traps.

5. Stopping 2 tons of fast moving metal is really really hard to do with limited time and space, especially in wet weather.

6. The guy holding the umbrella at that precise point in time was the luckiest bastard on planet earth. Although he might have needed to change his underwear after that. Assuming he wears underwear that is.

You all be safe on the roads now okay?

Time to think

Hullo!

Well, I don't suppose I have any readers left. It's been a while since I was posting regularly. I have a decision to make I suppose. My domain name is up for it's annual payment/renewal and if anyone remembers, I was severely pissed off and downright furious with the company which registered my domain name. Well, I got an email from them and they've skied their prices. It's okay, I hadn't intended to give them any more money (eternalsolutions.com can fuck off), the issues are mainly (i) do I keep my domain name?; and (ii) do I keep blogging?

Oh, I said it a year ago, and I'll say it again. Don't use eternalsolutions. They're fucked up! Click here to last year's post where I bitched about them.

So.... I think I will keep my domain name. Whatever it is, it's mine and the few people who read my blog know the url and if it drops out, they'd think my blog's gone. So yeah. I'll keep it. This time however I will get someone else to hold the domain name for me. I will take Erin's (of erintan.com) advice this time and use interunix this time. I may not be able to import my blog to it (I don't know yet) but it's preferable to paying those con job bastards at eternalsolutions.

I don't really have to analyse why I stopped blogging. The answer is so, so simple. I have someone to talk to and share with at home. There ya go! All in one sentence. I do think however, that I would like to continue blogging. I've always liked writing. And also I did really like having my blog friends and being connected to them. People like Nick, Kevin, Tiong, Bobo, Jen, Brenda, Sew Jin, Abby, Grace, (Feon) Rabbit. I miss (in a cyberspace sort of way) you guys!!!

My mum asked me why I had stopped blogging. And I gave her the one sentence. Also I told her bloggers like me are lonely, pissed off and/or unhappy. We blog to reach out and find other people who can approve and agree of us and our opinions. Failing that, we can always find someone to argue with.

I think it's time I started blogging again. For the simple reason that I enjoy writing. I may not be lonely, pissed off and unhappy anymore but I think I would still like to be heard. Most of all, I would also like to have my blog buddies back.