How to Malaysianise your car

Observations of a Swedish school teacher teaching in KL. Plus a few I added.

How to make your car more Malaysian.

1. Place non slip mats on the dashboard. Size doesn't matter.

2. Hang a CD from your rear view mirror.

3. If not a CD, hang your cell phone's hands free kit on the rear view mirror. You don't use the damn thing anyway.

4. Double (or triple) the size of your exhaust pipe.

5. If you are Malay, raise the height of the rear suspension while lowering the front. As an option, widen your tyres till they stick well out of the wheel arches. Regardless, don't forget the 'classy' decorative tissue box and pile the back windscreen with cushions till you can't see out the rear view mirror.

6. If you're Chinese, stick plastic figures of Snow White's seven dwarfs on your dashboard. Don't forget the fluffy cute decorative tissue box and the Hello Kitty doll. The CD hanging from the rear view mirror had better be an Andy Lau or Aaron Kwok CD or else. Oh yes, and the badly spelled plastic sign with the suction cup. Obscure your rear view window with soft toys.

7. If you're Indian, paint the car purple or yellow. Make sure the paint job is cheap and not very well done.

8. If you're a white or foreign expat. Don't worry. We know which ones are your cars because it looks no different than the day you bought it. Except it's dirtier now.

9. If you are from Ipoh, make sure you have 'A' license plates regardless of which state you live in now.

10. If you are from Kedah, place your state emblem on your rear license plate or rear windscreen.

11. Don't forget the decorative dents and scratches on your car. To do this right, park your car in any shopping mall parking lot preferably between 2 other cars. The occupants of these cars will ensure dents on your car with their doors and they will occasionally add scratches as well from their shopping trolley.

12. Somewhere and sometime during your ownership of your car, some bastard on a motorcycle will fuck up your car one way or another. It's fate. Whether you hit him or he hits you doesn't really matter. You can be sure it's going to be his fault.