Hanging up the balls

It's a strange thing. I've never felt so normal in a long time. It came to the forefront of my thoughts with a mug of hot tea. I've always had a ballsy edge which I think showed up sometimes in my writing and therefore in my blog. This morning I awoke at 8am after going to bed at ten the night before. I've done this a week now and while it might appear to be nothing spectacularly world changing, it's something new to me. This morning in particular I thought that it would be nice to have toast with my tea, maybe with marmalade or maybe strawberry jam.

It was a revelation.

It's not just normal, no no no, it isn't your everyday usual run-of-the-mill normal normal. It's fucking normal. And I thought, oh god.... I'm probably going to have a normal job soon. 9 to 5. Up in the morning. Have my tea and toast. Off to work and back in the evening. A bit of gardening before dinner. In bed before midnight. On weekends I'll be having tea and scones and a game of tennis. I'll be wearing whites. With a goddamn white headband.

Next thing you know I'll be looking for a nice girl to settle down with. She's not even going to be hot. And hot is pretty much what I would love to have. Head turner. Loves me for my personality (Ha fuckin' Ha). Nice. Polite. Pleasant. And a total slut in bed (Woohoo!). Oh, but no. She. Is. Going to be. Nice, polite, pleasant and probably will have wide generous hips not unlike that of a brontosaurus so's she can pop out the grandkids my father secretly craves with a nowt but a sneeze.

Christ.

Tea and toast. Bloody hell!

Which is in the end, probably what I really want for myself. A bit of normality. I don't think I'm going to ever totally lose the ballsy edge which I absolutely love having as part of me as a whole. I think a normal life with a hint of balls on the side.

And I know what you fuckers are thinking. He's feeling his age!!!

Really? Well, yeh. In a way. Maybe. So what?

Well, come over. Have some tea and toast. After that I'll dunk yer head in the aquarium so's the crayfish can nibble on your face. Nothing personal. Just to prove normal and balls can co-exist quite well thank you. And we can all have a giggle about it after.

The conclusion? I crave a bit more stability with my life. Running about living life in the opposite end doesn't help. The sleep in the day and up and night doesn't work for me. I feel quite useless anyway since there's nowhere to go and no one to see at blasted 3 in the blasted morning.

So.

I'll have my job, my tea and my toast. Gardening in the evenings. And on weekends - tennis, tea and crumpets (or was it scones?).

But I'll bet you all the tea in China that when I'm playing tennis in my tennis whites and fucking white tennis headband, I'll be aiming the wee green tennis ball at my opponent's testicles every chance I get.

What is life without having a laugh? And nothing's funnier than a respectable dignified grown man, preferably a Dato' or Tan Sri rolling about the tennis court in a respectable club clutching his privates and moaning softly so as to not disturb the other prancing respectable fairies on the other tennis courts.

I'll bet you all the curry in India that I will help the man up, make the appropriate noises of sympathy, sorrow and infinite regret, dust him down and pour him a cup of tea to help him recover his poise.

Then I will go home and giggle my ass off. Tell the wife and in mid giggle she might even pop out a grandkid. You know, hee hee hee oops hee.

Hang up the balls? Fuck that. They'd get dusty. And dust in the testi-hair is quite unpleasant probably. I like them exactly where they are.

A scrotum is not particularly attractive to the eye is it? They bear resemblance to your granny's elbow skin no? But to me, a scrotum looks like hairy brain (sometimes dependent on the ambient temperature). Which is why, I suppose, I sometimes let them do the thinking.

So I end this with a quote from the wise, the sagely, the one and only, Billy Connolly.

"Life, is funny with its knickers down.

And - I love life with its knickers down."