Ich bin ein Berliner!

I've been in contact with someone in Germany for work related stuff over a fortnight or so, corresponding through email. I had thought that der Germans I had been schpeaking with schpoken der gud Engerlander. I think in the end what it was is that the person I had been emailing either had a translator or BCC'ed the email to schomeone who don't schpoken the Engerlander. Probably the boss.

I got this in the email:

"Ich bin vom 16.07. bis 06.08. nicht im Hause. Ihre mails werden in meiner Abwesenheit an Frau Barbara Brust weitergeleitet, Tel. 0049(961) xx xxxx.
Mit freundlichen Grüßen"

For fun and laughter I put it through Babelfish's translator. I got this:

"I am from 16.07. to 06.08. not in the house. Their mails are passed on in my absence at Mrs. Barbara Chest, Tel. 0049(961) xx xxxx.
Yours sincerely,"

Babelfish is so renowned for amusing translations that it's already an internet meme. It's kinda like listening to a Mexican dude fresh across the border without a passport who's trying to convince a cop that his passport está en el país and he can't produce it anyway because el perro lo comió. As funny and as famous as Yoda Speak.

I know for a fact that the proper translation of the german bits of my email is this:

"I'm out of the office from 16 July to 6 August. Your mails will be passed on to my collegue Barbara Brust, Tel. 0049 961 xx xxxx.
Kind regards,"

I wonder what it would be to go through like being called Salmah Buahdada, Monique Seins, Britney Boobs or Jessica Tits. Because that's what tits are in der deutsch. Brüste. I'll put it in bold it as well. Brüste. Why? Cos I absolutely love the upper ventral region of a female human being's upper torso. I should write back double schnell and tell them I'd like to get acquainted with Mrs. Barbara's deutschlander brüsties. Why should just my emails have all the fun?

Making fun of der Germans is so English. Well, not really. If I'd been English I'd be taking the piss out of zee french as well. What it is, is a little yellow man taking the piss out of the whities. Maybe that's why we're yellow. We've been pissed on by the white dudes since the French have had prostitutes. And that mon amis, is a loooong ass time.

On a separate note, I think I've been reading too many books from the Dune series by Frank Herbert. In a meeting I asked for confirmation that in Europe, they actually shut down offices and factories to go off on summer holidays. Kinda like summer school break. Hello? What I'm trying to tell you people is that ve need to Achtung Baby! I know about der summer holidays. Ve don't have any more fucking time to get things done especially if we're relying on people over in Europe to move things along as well. Ve need to fucking schnell! schnell!! schnell!!! Of course no one got it. Everyone Sing! Aaaaalllll is caaaaaaalm!!!! Aaaaalllll is briiiiiightttt!!!! I must be the only Dune reader in the room. Look for hidden meanings and messages people! It can't get any clearer than a hidden message!

But nooooo.... Everyone's going la la laa.... la la laa.... we're going to fuck up and when we fuck up, we're all going to blame YOU! HAHAHAHA!!!! Which is why I wasn't given neither employment papers nor a contract. So they don't have to fire me. They can just tell me to pack up my stupid little laptop and my stupid little Tigger coffee cup and fuck off.

Well, not really. I'm just slagging off anyone and everyone because I can, that's all. A little artistic license.

Europeans must really like their summer holidays. You won't find any factories shutting down over here in Asia for any season. Well, maybe the monsoon season, if it rains hard enough to flood the factories. Anyway, whatever. If we shut down for holidays over here, the Americanos wouldn't get their Nikes would they?

Damn. All I needed was a good night sleep. More bounce per ounce! Hoo hoo hoo hooooo!