Life on Earth

Stop. This post might upset the sensible.

It is not cheerful.

It is not happy bunny having tea time on the toadstools with the fairies.

It is my dark side speaking today.

Every decade or so the moral police go out on a witch hunt for a specific type of crime or situation. While I can agree with the idea and the intent behind the action, I've also noticed how everything else fades into the background and the one biggest weapon the moral police use is public sympathy, reaction and hysteria.

The most common one now almost always involves children. Save the children! Protect the children! A sure fire way to get heaps of cash fast is to provide statistics on how many children have died, die per day and will have died. Just like when the rest of the world was pouring money into Africa during the famine times which of course were caused by the wars in Africa. A lot of this money ended up being used to purchase more weapons and a lot went into the African bigwigs' pockets. "Here's money! Feed your people!", big countries who were happy they weren't African said. "Tank yoo masa, tank yoo masa!" said the African bigwigs who went away grinning happily to themselves. Quite a few million richer. And please note that they spoke English quite well too.

A definite way to sway public opinion is to use children. Doesn't have to be many, can be just one. A person arrested for a crime against a child is seriously walking a tightrope and long presumed guilty first. Mainly because the general public (spurred on by the media and self appointed champions) want a scapegoat and they want blood. Even in a prison system, prisoners who have committed crimes against children are targeted and shunned by other prisoners. Which makes murdering, raping, assaulting and maiming young adult, adults and the elderly a lot more acceptable I guess.

It's the perception that children don't know any better (lack of situational experience and teaching) and are unable to protect themselves (lack of size and strength obviously, small kids can't stand up to big kids, big kids can't even match up to an adult). That's what it is. And it's for the most part, quite accurate.

Why we react so badly to child crimes is the inborn caveman mammalian instinct to protect and preserve the young ones. That's what love is also. The ability to is not a wonderful human exclusive right but rather a reward based system built into the more intelligent beings to create bonds for the purpose of procreation and to protect the products of procreation. Similarly, procreation itself has its own reward and motivational system of the orgasm.

It's supposed to be a really really simple thing. It takes the highest form of intelligence to pervert such rewards. Admit it, human beings are a pretty fucked up species.

And while we're at it, while researchers are examining animal populations and coming up with the famous predator/prey ratio, human beings are multiplying at an overwhelming rate and straining resources. All that infomercial you see on Nat Geo about the Earth essentially being an island is pretty much true. In a bunch of years to come, we will not have expended nor exhausted Earth's resources, rather we will hit a plateau where the Earth cannot cope with the demands placed on its natural resources. That's when we then exhaust what's left.

In a couple of hundred years (or less), faced with extinction, will there be policies such as euthanasia of disabled or retarded births, regulated procreation or licensed birthing rights subject to genetic approval, be the norm? When such practices will elicit utmost horror at this present time, it may be all that's left to ensure the human race survives. The alternative? Wage war and destroy the smaller nations to lighten the burden on resources. I'm glad that I'll be long gone before the Earth is really in trouble as opposed to the mere bruising it's getting now. Forget the science fiction of colonising other habitable planets. Unless an new all encompasing type of physics is discovered, it's not going to happen. Not to mention we'll have to destroy the colonised planet's sapient beings in order to take it over.

These, in my opinion, are the world's biggest criminals. POLITICIANS, HATE MONGERS, IRRESPONSIBLE PARENTS, and the GULLIBLE. POLITICIANS especially. Necessary evil? Evil being the key word from my point of view.

Back to it, if anyone ever causes harm to my children, I will personally cut off their ears and force feed it to them. In the meantime, all I can do is bring them up to be good people and to educate them on the perils of life. If I protect them and hide the realities of life from them all I can, they will grow up inadequate to the challenges their lives will throw at them.

This is a dark post, I know.... I think I'll go back to pretending everything is alright now.

Thank you for you time. Now forget what you just read.

Ich bin ein Berliner!

I've been in contact with someone in Germany for work related stuff over a fortnight or so, corresponding through email. I had thought that der Germans I had been schpeaking with schpoken der gud Engerlander. I think in the end what it was is that the person I had been emailing either had a translator or BCC'ed the email to schomeone who don't schpoken the Engerlander. Probably the boss.

I got this in the email:

"Ich bin vom 16.07. bis 06.08. nicht im Hause. Ihre mails werden in meiner Abwesenheit an Frau Barbara Brust weitergeleitet, Tel. 0049(961) xx xxxx.
Mit freundlichen Grüßen"

For fun and laughter I put it through Babelfish's translator. I got this:

"I am from 16.07. to 06.08. not in the house. Their mails are passed on in my absence at Mrs. Barbara Chest, Tel. 0049(961) xx xxxx.
Yours sincerely,"

Babelfish is so renowned for amusing translations that it's already an internet meme. It's kinda like listening to a Mexican dude fresh across the border without a passport who's trying to convince a cop that his passport está en el país and he can't produce it anyway because el perro lo comió. As funny and as famous as Yoda Speak.

I know for a fact that the proper translation of the german bits of my email is this:

"I'm out of the office from 16 July to 6 August. Your mails will be passed on to my collegue Barbara Brust, Tel. 0049 961 xx xxxx.
Kind regards,"

I wonder what it would be to go through like being called Salmah Buahdada, Monique Seins, Britney Boobs or Jessica Tits. Because that's what tits are in der deutsch. Brüste. I'll put it in bold it as well. Brüste. Why? Cos I absolutely love the upper ventral region of a female human being's upper torso. I should write back double schnell and tell them I'd like to get acquainted with Mrs. Barbara's deutschlander brüsties. Why should just my emails have all the fun?

Making fun of der Germans is so English. Well, not really. If I'd been English I'd be taking the piss out of zee french as well. What it is, is a little yellow man taking the piss out of the whities. Maybe that's why we're yellow. We've been pissed on by the white dudes since the French have had prostitutes. And that mon amis, is a loooong ass time.

On a separate note, I think I've been reading too many books from the Dune series by Frank Herbert. In a meeting I asked for confirmation that in Europe, they actually shut down offices and factories to go off on summer holidays. Kinda like summer school break. Hello? What I'm trying to tell you people is that ve need to Achtung Baby! I know about der summer holidays. Ve don't have any more fucking time to get things done especially if we're relying on people over in Europe to move things along as well. Ve need to fucking schnell! schnell!! schnell!!! Of course no one got it. Everyone Sing! Aaaaalllll is caaaaaaalm!!!! Aaaaalllll is briiiiiightttt!!!! I must be the only Dune reader in the room. Look for hidden meanings and messages people! It can't get any clearer than a hidden message!

But nooooo.... Everyone's going la la laa.... la la laa.... we're going to fuck up and when we fuck up, we're all going to blame YOU! HAHAHAHA!!!! Which is why I wasn't given neither employment papers nor a contract. So they don't have to fire me. They can just tell me to pack up my stupid little laptop and my stupid little Tigger coffee cup and fuck off.

Well, not really. I'm just slagging off anyone and everyone because I can, that's all. A little artistic license.

Europeans must really like their summer holidays. You won't find any factories shutting down over here in Asia for any season. Well, maybe the monsoon season, if it rains hard enough to flood the factories. Anyway, whatever. If we shut down for holidays over here, the Americanos wouldn't get their Nikes would they?

Damn. All I needed was a good night sleep. More bounce per ounce! Hoo hoo hoo hooooo!

Kitty Golf

Since we're on the topic of kitty kats, the cats around my old house in DU used to drive me nuts. They'd fight and wail all night and they'd sleep on my car. I think it's when the hood is still warm. Once they even had a fight on the hood of my car. I didn't see it but there were enough scratches on my hood to convince me they did. It's not fun having muddy cat paw prints from the front of the car to the back as well. Once a cat left a souvenir on my hood. That must have been one sick pussy. A lump of cat puke isn't the best thing to look at first thing in the morning.

Once a cat sat on my porch roof wailing away like a banshee. It was 2 in the morning and making a hell of a racket. I went downstairs and grabbed my putter and climbed up on the wall dividing my house and the house next door. I popped my head up and the cat was a foot away from me, wailing away.

It had not a clue I was right behind it holding a golf club. I could have brained the bloody thing right there and then. But you can't can you? It'd take a really heartless bastard to do something like that.

I hissed, "Hey cat!" and when it turned around I swung at it with my putter. But I deliberately missed. The cat split like its tail had been scalded. As I watched its rapidly disappearing rear end I heard a voice from the bedroom window next door.

"Thank you!"

It wasn't worth it though. I'd damaged the putter face on the concrete. All it did was give me an excuse to buy a new putter.

Men are equipment whores.

Jingle Bells Jingle Bells....

Two nights ago I was tossing and turning trying to sleep. It was 3am. It was good weather too. It was the cool of having had an evening rain. My room is at the front of the house and is blasted hot. Taking advantage of the weather, I opened my room windows and drew back the curtains. Regardless, I still had trouble getting to sleep. Out of nowhere, I heard, all of a sudden, bells.

Jingle jingle jingle....

Jingle jingle jingle....

It got louder.

Jingle jingle jingle...!

I was half asleep, blur and puzzled. Was I dreaming?

Nope.

I thought I'd crap myself. All of a sudden there was a shape in the window.

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

It was a cat. With a bell on its collar. It peered into the window.

I bellowed "GO AWAY!!!!" at it in rage and fright.

It looked at me. Waited a second or two. And then casually sauntered off.

I fucking HATE cats.

The Man

Sorry. I'm just really really angry.

What happened to the golden rule?

Treat people as you would like to be treated, don't treat people as you wouldn't want yourself to be treated, blah bleeping blah.

Everything now is always about the man. I'm the man. What can I get out of this. How does this benefit me. You owe me for this. Who cares about you, I'm talking about me.

It's all about the man. Doesn't matter if there was a penis or a vagina between the man's legs. It's all about the man.

Yeh.

Sure.

What kind of messed up parents raised this current generation? I'm not an angel myself but I know honesty and I know decency. I actually rang my mum last night and told her I thought she and my dad did good raising me and my sister and giving us good values and morality. She was a little startled so I told her people out there, in and among us are moral vacuums.

If it were up to me, I'd take physical lesson to the tosser. Might make him think. It's never too late to learn. Does he really think friends sit around, see what's happening and do nothing?

What kind of idiot parents raised this generation? How messed up is the next one going to be? If I raise my kids right, wouldn't they then end up as fodder and victims for the next super generation of selfish self-centered lying cheating self-serving moral deviants? I should teach them to be the man themselves if only as a defensive weapon.

Fuck that.

They are not going to do anything their mother will be a ashamed of and I will not discredit my own upbringing that way. I won't fail my kids the way so many other parents have.

However.

If all else fails you can bet daddy's got the shotgun oiled and ready. I won't shoot the offending party. I'd shoot the offending party's mother and father for raising lousy kids. Pepper their asses with lead pellets. Then I'd chop off the re-pro-duc-tives of every male child they have with a rusty chinese chopping knife.

Except.

That's not the way I've been taught. Not the way I've been brought up. I'm not even supposed to think up shit like that.

What am I supposed to do? Scream at the sky?

Yo Mama

I park my car in the parking lots below the office while I'm at work. The ones where you feed coins into the beast and get a little piece of paper with the expiry time and your number plate on it.

I went downstairs at 4:50pm. Time had expired. I did think I should put in 60sen into the beast which is better than a 30Ringgit fine. I thought, what the hell, 10 minutes left before quitting time. I was packed and ready to go at 5pm. My colleague has the keys. She's not coming in tomorrow so I need to take the keys from her. I wait for her and at 5:10pm she gets up to go. I get to my car at 5:13pm. There's a fine on the windscreen, time of fine: 5:11pm. I clutch the fine in my clenched fist and scream rage at the heavens.

"Ahhh.... ffffuuuuuuucccckkkkk!!!!!"

The parking attendant, who is still nearby decides to be scarce. I spot her when I get into my car.

Mothers Day just went by. I hope parking attendants treat their mothers well. Cos nobody loves parking attendants except maybe their mothers.

Hot Spicy!

It's been a week now since I started work at the office job. If you were wondering why it's such a big deal to me, I haven't worked in an office and for someone else for 5 years. I've still got my own little business running but I don't need to attend to it day in, day out. 99% of the time, I'm at home sitting on my ass anyway. So, when opportunity knocked, I answered.

So yeh, it's been a week. It amazes me that businesses still don't use their own email addresses. I suppose companyname@streamyx.com or companyname@pd.jaring.net is still okay. I'd rather a business have name@companyname.com. I just think it's more professional and a better presentation. Here's my gripe: companyname@hotmail.com or companyname@yahoo.com is downright unforgivable. Even worse, I've sometimes been asked to email employees' private yahoo or hotmail email addresses.

Hullo out there...? Getting your own domain name and to have email forwarding isn't very expensive. A little investment here might go a long way.

Other gripes I have are, I have no idea how some of these people do sales. They don't carry themselves well, are unpolished and borderline just-plain-rude. Might as well move these Ah Pek people from the front into the back offices and production lines where such brusqueness can be used to better effect.

As an extra rant, here's something I would like to bitch about. An excel file is a book. It contains pages or worksheets. It's not just one damn page. There are tabs on the bottom of the pages. They scroll horizontally. I have stupid people ringing me up and almost getting into an argument with me. Look at the bottom of the pages for the tabs, you fucking morons. Not that you will anyway. When I explained this nicely, all I get is attitude and adamance. I've adapted though. One simple question makes my life so much easier.

"Are you familiar with Excel?!?"

Shuts them up. They all say the same thing.

"Let me have another look and I'll get back to you."

They never do. If ever someone does, I'd have to label him or her: Beyond Help and Recovery.

Someone else couldn't open the file. Doesn't have Microsoft Office. Had to resend as an email comprising text in an email message. Another company had no email address. How tragic is that? They aren't a RM1.00 company. Their product range is huge. They can supply most of the things I'm asking for. I had to fax over a shopping list of no less than 30 pages.

But it made my day. After all the bad mojo I had yesterday, it really made my day, especially since it was the last thing I did before leaving the office.

I was speaking to the sales person. Perhaps gently chiding her on her company's lack of email address. I made hrmmm hmmmp noises indicating my displeasure at such a failing. "Fax the whole shopping list? Hrrrmmm hmmmmp...." As a last resort, I asked her if I could email the list to her own personal email address. I could feel reluctance emanating through the phone. But it was kind of embarrassed reluctance. Finally she said I could.

Her email address?

name_chilipadi@name.com

I didn't start, pause nor flinch. Instead I asked, still very politely and formally, "Is that chili with one L or two?" She replied that it was with one L. Then I asked, "chilipadi as one word?" and I received a confirmation. The remainder of the conversation was polite, amiable and professional. Then I hung up the phone.

That's when I cracked up.

Giggled my ass off.

It made my day. It was therapy!

What the @#$&*%*???

All of a sudden.

For no reason.

My blog can't be viewed from my domain name. A 404 error is what happens.

It happens on and off. If you're reading this, lucky you. You got in. I can't and it's my blog!

Do I revert to the brain-spillage.blogspot.com address? What annoys me further about this is that I noticed many blogger friends took the trouble to update their links to me to the www.brainspillage.com URL even though the old address would still work. For that I thank them and stress that crap like this shouldn't happen.

Is it google or my domain nameservers at fault?

I have no clue.

This sucks.

Here We Go Again

The Dawson shootings last year sparked me to write the blog posting below in my old blog. I figured it was only a matter of time before I would post it here. The Virginia Tech Massacre is what happened. Yay! By now don't you think Americans would possibly agree that maybe it's a not such a great idea to have all them shootin' irons. You could probably buy 'em from Kmart!

September 14, 2006

It's Never Going to End

Well, it's happened again. Some looney/dumbass/spaced out clown has armed himself and shot up a school. Yesterday in downtown Montreal, some looney put on the uniform of a looney, a black trenchcoat. The death count stands at one for now. There are those that are seriously injured and may not survive their injuries.

First, there's the trenchcoat. What is with these loonies that they have to put one on before they carry out such lunacy? They way I see it, these dumb bastards put on a trenchcoat like I turn on my Playstation. Yeah! There's killin' to be done! What kind of reality do these people live in?

"Hey Goober! Let's go blast some fools like how we done in Grand Theft Auto!"

"Sure Buford! My cousin Sally done bought me a shotgun for christmas!"

Now, the two lines above itself is a stereotype and a misconception. There are three points to consider. Firstly, you don't have to be a redneck. That's your TV rednecks up there. The majority of these jackasses are young white boys from middle class families. Secondly, anyone brought up right by mum and dad can differentiate between reality and a video game. The third point I'm going to make is, that sadly, guns are that easy to come by if you happen to live in North America.

Robyn Anderson bought the Columbine High shooters their weapons in a straw purchase. The two 17 year olds were too young to buy guns. Robyn, then 18, bought them a rifle and two shotguns by showing the dealer her driver's license proving she was indeed over 18. Now get this, the two piss pots were with this dumb bunny in the gun shop and doing all the looking and asking of the questions. Doesn't take a fucking genius to figure out who the guns are for. Oh yeh, and there was the Tec-9 semi-auto handgun which was sold to one of the numbnuts by Mark Manes who was a friend of the looneys.

What I'm lamenting on is how easily firearms are obtained. Take another situation into account. Nathan Ferris was an overweight 12 year old boy subject to constant bullying in school. The last time he was humiliated in front of his classmates was really the last time. He pulled out a pistol, shot his tormentor and then turned the gun on himself. Shocked? 12 years old that one. Then take Dedrick Owens who took a semi-auto pistol from his uncle's house and brought it to school to show off. He pulled the gun from his pants, yelled "I don't like you Kayla!" and shot 6 year old Kayla Rolland in the neck. She died half an hour later. Dedrick Owens was also 6 years old.
Often enough a kid blasts away in a school as a result of humiliation and bullying. Like Nathan Ferris, Michael Carneal was frequently bullied and had his name published in the school paper claiming he had homosexual crush on another student. Which didn't exactly improve matters for him. He brought a handgun, two rifles and two shotguns to school and fired shots indiscriminately. He surrendered when he saw one of the fallen was a friend of his. He was 14. He is currently serving 3 life sentences and 120 years.

Which brings me back to christmas. Brenda Spencer was 17 when she opened fire at a school causing death and injury. The rifle she used was one of her christmas presents.
All these events just skim the surface. I have no idea what it's like living where there are metal detectors at schools. Not that it always helps. A security guard was killed manning the metal detector at a school when it went beep! for a very good reason.

You know what's brilliantly disgusting though? Jake Ryker, who was already wounded, tackled his shooter, a 16 year old, and held him up enough for more people to come hold down this adolescent looney. The gun crazy National Rifle Association cited as Jake Ryker as "an example of NRA training put to good use." That's not quite accurate. If Ryker had been indeed trained by the NRA, he'd have brought out his own gun and blasted back. Or joined in the fun and games.

Let me give you a quote: The National Rifle Association, or NRA, is a group for the promotion of marksmanship, firearm safety, and the protection of hunting and personal protection firearm rights in the United States, established in New York in 1871 as the American Rifle Association. It sponsors firearm safety training courses, as well as marksmanship events featuring shooting skills and sports. The NRA is sometimes said to be the single most powerful non-profit organization in the United States. It is the oldest and largest civil rights organization in the U.S., considering gun ownership a civil right protected by the Second Amendment of the Bill of Rights.

Also allow me to debunk that with one single fact. Actor Charlton Heston, a promoter of the NRA agenda was presented a presentation rifle at a NRA convention in 2000. He held the rilfe aloft over his head and declared loudly, using years of acting experience for maximum effect, "They'll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands!" Well done Charlton. In my opinion you're just another fucking looney but was lucky enough to have the luxury of carrying out your gun-toting fantasies in the movie business. Charlton probably went back to his trailer and masturbated after filming gun fights. And in that one sentence Chuckie pretty much described the NRA to the rest of the world.

Here are your gun looneys in the U.S.:
National Rilfe Association
Gun Owners of America
Jews for the Preservation of Gun Ownership
Pink Pistols
Second Amendment Foundation
Second Amendment Sisters
Citizens for the Right to Keep and Bear Arms
Liberty Belles
Law Enforcement Alliance of America

I have to give you a few interesting facts about the Pink Pistols. It's a gay gun group. Their mottos are "Armed gays don't get bashed" and "Pick on someone your own caliber." To be a member you can either be LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) or own a gun. You don't have to satisfy both conditions. I would like to elaborate on the Pink Pistols but I can't. You can only swim in so much shit. Whether the shit's packed or not, I don't know. I think the mottos say it all.

U.S. pro-gun control groups are:
American Hunters and Shooters Asoociation
Americans for Democratic Attention
Americans for Gun Safety Foundation
Brady Campaign
Brady Centre to Prevent Gun Violence
Coalition to Stop Gun Violence
League of Women Voters

Here's a few bits of info on the Brady Centre. Lead by James and Sarah Brady. James Brady was shot and permanently crippled by John Hinckley in 1981 during the attempt to assassinate Ronald Reagan during his presidency. In 2000, controversy surrounded wife Sarah over a straw purchase when she bought James Brady Jr. a rifle for Christmas. Yay! Christmas again! The rifle fires .30-06 bullets. You bring down moose and elk with those fuckers.

I think I'm going to stop here as it's never going to end.

Let me declare my own opinions over the matter. I'm don't give a rat's ass about pro-gun or gun control and all that shit. That's their fucking problem over there. Here in Malaysia, who cares? You can be in possession of a gun without bullets or bullets without a gun and get into a heap of trouble. You could have a replica gun and get in trouble. You don't have to worry a lot in this country about being shot. It's not likely to happen. It can. But not likely. What I am against though is stupidity. Which is what all this gun shit is anyway. A lot of stupidity with no solution in sight.

The current popular culture does nothing to help. Violence is glorified in media. True life events are dramaticised by the media. Using words like horrific, siege, drama, massacre, perpetrator, conspiracy, suspect, tragedy. You only encourage the stupid fuckers. They want to go out with a bang. Songs written about the events imortalise it and the dumb fucks at the same time. Their names and/or faces become part of popular culture. Metallica's "Ronnie" and Boomtown Rats "I Don't Like Mondays" are prime examples. I love Metallica but that was fucking misinformed. Thanks for saving lots of starving Africans Bob but that was still pretty damned idiotic. The next bunch of losers might commit murder so their favourite bands write songs about them. Time magazine traces their life history. Don't get it? Next time try a news report like this:

"Two dumb bastards with mental and social issues stole guns out of daddy's closet and brought said guns to school in a pathetic attempt to feel superior. No one gives a shit who they are because they're not worth remembering and we don't want to encourage other stupid looneys out there who might do this shit in our town next. They both shot themselves in the end which was the only smart thing they did in their sad sorry lives cos there were a lot of people waiting outside for any form of revenge. Dumbfuck #1 was a sad loner who nobody wanted to be friends with. Dumbfuck #2 liked the way Dumbfuck #1 smelt so tolerated him. Police tossed the looneys' bodies into the nearest crocodile infested lake. Their parents made no attempt to recover the carcasses."

As I was saying, our popular culture does no good. Violence is glorified. Wealth is glorified. Looks are glorified. Popularity is glorified. Athletic ability is glorified. Drugs are glorified. Promiscuousity is glorified. Gansterism is glorified. Materialism is glorified. Did I mention guns? Guns are glorified. Hey, it's the American way!

The world's overpopulated anyway. Let the fuckers in countries with gun issues kill each other. We can refer to it in the future as culling of human beings in predominantly stupid countries/continents. We will then forget the innocent, the victims, the maimed, the dead, the ruined lives and all the mental and physical pain ever suffered.

Lafu?

I've been seeing a new word being thrown around recently though up till now, only in print. I haven't actually heard it being used at yet if it is used verbally that is.

Lafu.

Lafu?

I gather it means 'like' or 'love' though the latter in the non-romantic context. At least that's what I think.

(Post edit - I just noticed that one of the blogs I read regularly used 'lafu' in post title. Not criticising Rabbit at all. Hope you won't be offended. This post is not a gripe on the word itself.)

Please don't misunderstand me and assume I'm criticising anyone (definitely not you, you read my blog? we're cool) but I have to confess to despise, or at least despise the idea of, Singlish and Manglish. To accept it's bad English is one thing. To give it identity and legitimacy is just plain wrong. It's like we're struggling for identity and choose to highlight a negative aspect of ourselves to gain character. My gripe is not against the use of our specialised Malaysian way of speaking English amongst friends. My gripe is giving it an identity and legitimacy.

I accept that my point of view is anchored to a great love of books. Speak in local slang and all it's fine but the written word is sacred. But that's just me. Up to the point that the text messages I write on my cell phone are grammatically correct, puncuated and words are spelled out in full. SMS-speak was bad enough but now we've already started to write poorly in messages, emails, IM and other cell phone or computer related media. It'll hit in a few years. Not now. Not in the near future but it'll hit us one way or another and it'll be in a bad way. My nightmare is that this sort of thing will leak into our literature, education, business world, and other formal scopes.

One day some politician is going to say, "You don't worry laa, I do for you wan. Vote me laa. You lafu me, I lafu you laa."

I will laugh my arse off then cry.

I would agree that using Manglish (especially now blogging is becoming increasingly popular) in written form is fine. In the sense that it adds character, gives it local flavour and such. But I worry that this is the best that we can speak and write. Writing poor English deliberately is one thing. Writing poor English when it's the best that the writer can do is another.

But chill.

It's not your fault.

It's not my fault.

It's the poor and absolutely ridiculous standard of English being taught in schools here.

However, whoever taught up the word Manglish should be shot. But only after prolonged torture. And it isn't even original. To gain identity, we copied the Singaporeans with their concept of Singlish.

It's sad.

Me no lafu Manglish. Seriously.

Don't mind me. I'm just an old man making some noise.

My Domain Name

Here's a heads up if you're looking to register a domain name. eternalsolutions registers domain names but it stops there. There is no mention whatsoever about DNS management and DNS forwarding on their website. The first time you will see it is when you log into the control panel of your domain name and find it locked out.

Of course, I ring them up.

Me : There is no mention on your website that you would not provide the services. There is no mention of the services at all and no mention that there will be an additional charge for the services.

Her : Yes, but we didn't mention on the website that we will provide the services.

(can you BELIEVE she said that?)

Me : That's almost false advertising. There was no mention at all of it.

Her : ....

Me : Now I have a domain name and I can't do anything with it. Not without being able to manage the DNS or maybe even DNS forwarding. You claim to be the cheapest on your website. If I have to pay for the 'additional' services on top of the domain name you're actually more expensive.

Her : [Mouths off some other crap]

Me : [Thinking to myself, What a con job!!!!]

Her : So you will buy the additional services?

Me : I don't want to. I've been screwed by you people but I have to. I can't do anything without the 'additional' services.

Oh for fuck's sake. DON'T use eternalsolutions. You might as well buy a domain name from Emerge.

Emerge : Domain name + DNS forwarding + DNS Management = RM55

eternalsolutions : Domain name = RM35 + (DNS forwarding + DNS Management) = RM59

It's so obvious they're claiming to be the cheapest in town! based on this falsehood. A good example is Emerge. They list RM55 on their website. You play RM55. You get the domain name and the services you need to manage your domain name. eternalsolutions list RM35 on their website. You get the domain name and Sweet FA with it.

Cheapest in town! Ha fucking ha.

huisen.com

Someone has been holding on to huisen.com since 2002 for no bloody reason except that it's for sale or lease. It is renewed every year since by someone.... for no other reason than the domain name is for sale or for lease.

Someone = Whoever you are.

You rim jobber.

Need a new drug

It's a former lover's birthday today. I sent her a message wishing her a Happy Birthday. She called me almost immediately. I was surprised. It's not like her. Then I found out why. She didn't know who the message was from. Hey it's cool. I haven't seen her for 3 years I don't expect her to still have my number. Not at the rate she loses cell phones anyway.

Later I got an SMS from her thanking me for remembering her birthday. Actually I didn't. It was a friendster reminder but hey, I made it a point to send her a b'day wish. I sent back a message (admittedly a few hours after) which read, "No worries. Hope you had a good birthday."

Which she replies almost immediately. It said, "Huh?"

Either one or the other reason but I remember why it was so hard when we were friends. Her mind's everywhere. Never mind marriage, I should be thankful I never reached the dating stage with her. I didn't mind where we were. She has a body only God himself could have sculpted and skin any female human being or gay man would commit genocide for.

Darling. Lay off the fucking drugs will you?

Hang on a minute....

I watched the Manchester United vs UEFA Selection XI this morning. Among the stars on show was Marco Materazzi. According to the commentator, he's the man "who provoked Zinedine Zidane into headbutting him."

Just a goddamn minute.

Yes, Materazzi provoked Zidane. But how come he's "the man who provoked Zinedine Zidane into headbutting him." Why isn't he "the man whom Zidane disgraced himself and his country by headbutting"? Why is everyone so eager and intent on sucking Zidane's dick? Yes, he is a great player, no one will deny the skills. However. Zidane appears to be deified that he is beyond criticism. Last time I checked he's a citizen of planet earth no different from you or me.

Materazzi's only real crime was his chest was in the way of Zidane's head. Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against Zizou. I admire the man as a football player. If I were playing a footy game and an opponent gave me serious crap, I'd put my foot in his gonads. However, I'm a weekend player. I wouldn't do it if I were a professional player and playing a game for the team that employed my services. I'd just wish evil on the bastard is all.

Football is the world's most popular game (despite what some Americans think!). The World Cup is the biggest football competition. The final of the World Cup is therefore in my opinion, the biggest single game in the world. What a setting at which to do something like that. I loved the commentator's take on the event. He said it was 'uncharacteristic' and went on to say that Zidane has a 'history of having a short fuse'. Make up your fucking mind you moron. When you do, take the man's dick out of your mouth before you speak.

My point of this posting is that no one should be beyond criticism and justice and no one should be denied equal rights and a fair trial.

Football is just a metaphor for life after all.

In case you were curious as to what Materazzi said to Zidane it was this - "Hey, ci è una certa formula di sviluppo dei capelli sulla parte anteriore della mia camicia!"

It's Italian for "Hey, there's loads of hair growth formula on the front of my shirt!"

Now you know.

So.... That IS Grey BUT....

I walked over to 1Utama for the first time yesterday for dinner. No. I'd still have walked even if I could drive my car. It's that near.

Shortly after I'd walked into 1U, my cell phone rings. It's the delivery guy with the faulty x-ray vision. He says he's here to make the exchange so I tell him to wait 5 minutes and I'll be there. I go in and grab the box containing the tap. It's a little box (about 1' x 1') how big can a tap be? And the guy is walking in from his van carrying a BIG ass box. Stunned, I ask him what the hell is that? It's a grey sink. I explain to him kindly I've already got a grey sink. It's the tap that I want changed. He grumbles a bit. There's a 'Miss X' involved in his mutterings who is surely the charming young lady I spoke to yesterday over the phone.

I think I know who Miss X is. I've seen her and spoken to her at the shop itself. Shame really cos she's a bit of a hottie. She's quite sexy even without the tattoos on her neck and lower back. Viva la tramp stamp!!!! She just doesn't seem that bright that she doesn't know the difference between a basin and a tap. Then again, my only interest in her would be happy fun time not engage in a discussion about medieval poetry (and other brainy stuff). That and I'd like her to get my order right, dammit!

It's grey dammit!

Had an interesting phone conversation yesterday evening.

My glass sink and tap finally arrived. I have been waiting more than a month for these things to come. Apparently the sink needed to be imported in. So after a long wait, hallelujah! They arrived. Only the tap wasn't the right colour. They're supposed to match. They're supposed to be black glass. The tap was clear glass. In the business, black glass is called grey. So I ring up.

Me: I just got my delivery and the tap is clear glass. It's supposed to be grey.
Her: Let me call the driver and call you back.

I waited over and hour and I didn't get a return call. So I call again.

Me: Hi, it's me again.
Her: I called the driver. He said he delivered a grey tap to you.
Me: (thinks: so both of you think I'm an idiot and I don't know the difference between a grey and clear tap?!) He didn't. I have here a clear glass tap.
Her: He said he gave you a grey tap.
Me: Oh really? Should I bring the tap over to you and you tell me what colour it is?
Her: .........
Me: Tell your delivery driver his x-ray vision's not working properly because not only did he give me the wrong colour he also didn't open the box in front of me to verify its contents.
Her: (after a pause) We'll exchange the tap as soon as we can.
Me: Thank you.

Yeh, I know I haven't been posting at anything like the rate at which I was going before I moved house.

Sorry. My bad.

But it's been one thing after another. Of course with the shift I was totally occupied with that. After moving, I went back for CNY and after I got back home I had to move my phone line over and get my internet connection going. TM took a while with the phone line. That's okay. They didn't move over my broadband connection till I called to complain. It was supposed to be done within 3 days of my phone line being active. So on the 3rd day with still no connection I rang TM.

Me: Another two working days?!?! (This was when I realised they hadn't done anything about activating my line.)
TM rep: Sorry....
Me: (sighs) That's alright. It's not your fault.

It wasn't her fault. It's the damn system.

I did post a coupla postings after that but then I fell ill and some fuckhead broke into my car and stole among other things, my car road tax. WTF?!? If I wasn't ill I'd be hiding in the bushes right now with a baseball bat near where I'd parked my car. Them bastards took my road tax, my SmartTag, all the money the could find in the car and (get this) my air freshener. They left behind my cheque books and two pairs of expensive sunglasses. And I know they didn't look in the boot. Guess it could have been worse. However, if I smell Ambi Pur on some bastard hanging around that area, I won't wait. I'll tag the cunt with the bat and without asking questions first.

So yeh. I been stuck at home all week. Surely with all the time I spend at home now, I would be connected? Nope. Not really. I don't have a place to sit down properly with my laptop. Don't have wireless at home so I am plugged into my modem which is beside my bed. The phone outlet which is in my office doesn't work.... That, where an office is concerned, is a HUGE stick in the spokes. Sitting on the floor with my laptop on the bedside table tends to put pins and needles in my legs and my ass goes numb after a while. It's already started to happen as I type this. Sitting on my bed with the laptop on my (well....) lap kinda gets really hot after a while.

I plan to buy a wireless router modem. I just need to get my road tax so I can actually go places. On the bright side, I haven't been spending much money since I can't go anywhere. The downside is is that I haven't been eating regularly since I haven't been able to drive my car. Eat at home? Cook? Sure. I just need to go get groceries yeh? Hop in the car and head out to buy some. No wait. I can't drive my car. Well.... that's fucked that.

If it wasn't for Barbsie bringing food for me, I'd have starved by now.

Oh yeh. And you might have realised that there was no way I could have taken to tap to the sales rep so she could have told me what colour it really is unless I walked all the way there. It's a really good thing she didn't take me up on my offer!

Literacy in the Postal System

I'm getting rather concerned about the post office and their employees. I suppose it's good coincidence that I'm reading 'Going Postal' by Terry Pratchett at the moment.

I think my postman is illiterate, dyslexic, drinking on the job, smoking weed on the job and/or blind.

My house number is 27. I get both my next door neighbours' mail. So I put up my house number. Nice and big next to the mail box slot. I still get mail for #25 and #29.

I also get mail for #27. Only it's the wrong street. I get mail for 2/5, 2/1 and 2/9. I used to drop these wayward letters on my way out (or in). Now, I can't be bothered. To the residents of BU2, if you want your missing Astro Guide, it's probably with me.

Get it right dammit!

I was watching The Top Corner with Dez Corkhill on TV the other day and I was pretty appalled. The Top Corner is a program for our regional football. Whatever the case, however well the show is produced there is a glaring problem with it. The Top Corner is not exclusive to this problem. All these idiot presenters, no matter how good they are, cannot pronounce the names of our teams and places.

This has been a pet hate of mine ever since Sepang became a fixture on the F1 and MotoGP circuit. Not a single bloody foreign host or presenter has ever been able to pronounce 'Sepang' and 'Kuala Lumpur' properly. It's not that they can't. They just can't fucking be bothered. They can sure get names like Le Mans, Jerez, Spa-Francorchamps and Paul Ricard right though. Why? I'm pretty willing to bet you they've heard 'Sepang' being pronounced by the locals but I'll also bet you they don't fucking care. The Sepang circuit is good enough to be on the F1 calender. Year after year. Give it some respect for fuck's sake. It's not a hard thing to say right. It gets right on my tits this does.

What is this? Western superiority?

They know it's pronounced differently but they think they should pronounce it the kwailo way?

Goddam dumb Asians not worth the trouble?

Which brings me back to Dez Corkhill and those of his ilk. Foreign presenters working in our region on TV shows for our region. I cringed everytime Dez mentioned Selangor and Pahang. I was so impressed he got 'Perlis' right. The ones he got right on the money were MPPJ and DPMM. Wow. I'd bet he'd have no trouble with Public Bank either. If the team still was in the league that is. I have no hope for him when it comes to Perak though. Well done Dez!

Of course Dez isn't guilty by himself. The chick on channel 82. She that sits next to Andy Penders. Blonde, tits, cleavage, English, from Sheffield probably [10/1 - Charlie Webster]. She once mentioned Selangor. Didn't do much better than our Dez. Our channels are full of kwailos. Why?

I'll tell you why.

Local presenters. They'll get the pronunciation spot on. Don't worry about that. So why aren't there more locals (people from our region) on TV? They all shite that's why. We don't have an Andrew Leci or John Dykes. In about 5 to 10 years I have hope for locals presenters doing a good job. We might have our own Adnand Lassi and Johan Daik. Yeah, I'm having a laugh. Forget the current crop. For now any aspiring talent who wants to be on TV will have to see how it is done, how it should be done. I just hope they don't pick up the pronunciation as well.

Confound It!

I'm the best of friends with a girl. She's tall, attractive and intelligent. We have a very strange relationship. We call each other dah-ling, sweetie and all that mushy mushy stuff. We also think the world of each other. We know each other's deepest secrets and we can tell each other anything including things we can't or won't tell anyone else. Yet we've never been an item, a pair or anything remotely close. Apparently it's because she's afraid we could not have the friendship we have if we took a step in that direction. Oh, and it's the same reason why we've not been to bed together before. Anyway, there's too much baggage on this girl for me. It's not her fault. It's circumstantial. We have this pact we made when we were about 27. If we were still single at 35 we might as well marry each other. You'd think two people that age would have a bit more sense and that brings me to the topic of this post.

I've met a number of really intelligent people who have sometimes done the stupidest things. Take the girl mentioned in the paragraph above. She always and I mean always chooses the absolute wrong man for a boyfriend. They're all fucking mental. You don't know possessive till you've encountered her boyfriends. She seems to like damaged goods and once actually told me she picks these crack pots to try to better them.

What?

What???

The last two are nutters though the most recent one takes the prize for being a complete nutter. Needless to say he wasn't very happy about me. Fair enough. None of my girlfriends particularly like her either. Anyway she did the splitsville on him and he went fucking mental on her. Stalking had a new disciple.

Anyway, all that bits not the point I'm trying to get across. Remember the bit about smart people doing dumb things? Here's the bit that left me aghast and speechless.

She and psycho had sex during their relationship.

That's fine. I've never had a girlfriend I didn't have happy fun time with. I don't expect these things not to happen. No one has a celibate relationship. Except for Sam (him of the cock cheese posting). Fair go.

The guy has quite a questionable sexual history and here's the bit that had me reeling. She was shown his medical test results. I thought it was a HIV test. It wasn't. It was one of those that show blood cell count, cholesterol, liver function and crap like that. It was all normal. She figured that a person who had something like say, HIV, would have abnormal medical test results.

Oh really?

Can anyone shed some light on this because I think that test proved fuck all.

The Party's Up North!

Well, he's gone and done it again. Datuk Nik Abdul Nik Mat, the Menteri Besar of Kelantan has come up with another blinder of a good concept. Yeh, that's him of the blaming women for being provocative and thereby asking to be sexually assaulted and raped. He's now decided to squeeze a little harder by declaring that in clubs, there is to be no alcohol, segregation of men and women and no exposure of the aurat (bits that have to be covered under Muslim law). He went of further to state that he doesn't oppose dancing in clubs but it must be between members of the same sex. Cue the Village People!

Believe it or not I used to work for the Mydin Retail company. That's a whole story in itself but I see no reason to bash my former employers online. Truth is, I cut my teeth with them and I have more to be grateful for than the gnashing of (the same) teeth. I was sent to Kota Bharu a number of times with the longest stay a good three weeks. So I do know a little about the place.

I did go to a couple of clubs while I was there. Boozing till 3am and getting to work at 9am is something everyone does once in a while still in the 20s. One place I distinctly remember is because aside from serving alcohol, the hostesses were Malay girls and they definately showed me their bits of aurat. Me being tipsy and away from my then girlfriend for an extended period handed out some lucky girl with a boob rub. What is more interesting is that the place is also given patronage by the local police officers. No doubt also obliging some lucky girl with a boob massage, gratis, of course. I remember the sergeant downing his beer in one cos the captain challenged him to. Of course they weren't in uniform. A guy I was with knew them so we were a merry bunch especially since we knew the place would definately not get raided.

I'll side track for a moment and tell you of a story I have from my visit to KK in 2004. My friends and I went to a touchy-feely bar in some dingy dodgy area. There are two things to be noted about that visit. One is the beer goggles and the other is the finger. There was this girl that got plonked on my lap and all I did was talk to her. The others were wondering why I wasn't at least flirting with her. That's when I realised they had their beer goggles on. Putting it directly, you could have ridden the waves in and my thighs were beginning to ache. After we left the place, Neil stuck his hand under Jay's nose and said, 'Smell my finger!' Well, apparently I was the only one practising quality control.

Anyway, back to Kota Bharu. This should really sum the place up. The movie theatre. The lights aren't switched off during the show. If there're any really really bored people, it's the youth of Kelantan. Which is why they get on their bikes and race around the town while waiting to buka puasa (I was there during the fasting month as well). Is there a saving grace? Why yes, it's called Golok, in Thailand. Half an hour away from Kota Bharu. Everyone in Kota Bharu knows about Golok. Drink, drugs, sex, sex and sex. You can also actually dance with someone from the opposite sex over there. Even if someone who went over just to escape the yoke of the system would suddenly find so much temptation around. It might be just too hard to resist.

There were a lot of Mydin staff in KL that were originally from Kota Bharu. They come in two types. The good religious ones who lead quiet existences and the others that go fucking bananas and cry freedom. They drink and fuck like the bombs are gonna hit tomorrow.

While I was in Kota Bharu with my colleague, we were taken close to the border for a beer by three of Mydin KB's staff. They were young Malay boys just hoping for a good time. In the middle of nowhere amongst the sawah padi we ended up in some hut (all on its own) having a beer (thrills for them) with Thai women. Conversation was limited to what little Hokkien I had. The others hadn't a hope of being understood beyond sign language. Anyway, after a little while, the Thai woman talking to me said I could have her for 30 Ringgit. Well! Firstly, Homey don't play that and secondly, she was (and I have no qualms saying it) fucking ugly. We split after that but when I told the boys what that bit of conversation was about, they were like, wow. Any one of them would have done her. Apparently quality control is becoming something quite exclusive to me.

It ain't all bad I should say. I love the Thai villages outside of KB. Five of us ate a huge meal with a good number of dishes and had beer and stout. It came to less than a hundred Ringgit. Bloody brilliant.

Anyway, what these fundamentalists need is a good dose of reality. Everyone knows why Adam bit the apple. It's the forbidden things that call out to us the loudest. Being religious is not a bad thing. Holding your own peoples' heads below water and telling them it's for their own good, is.