Shallow. Irrelevant. Nonsensical.

It only just hit me. While I have been posting regularly, I haven't actually posted anything of proper value recently. Sure, it's fun, it's funny but it doesn't kickstart any grey matter in you, the reader.

It could be where my life is right about now. I have not much responsibility and basically nothing is happening in my life now. Really. Nothing. I have nothing really worthwhile to say and nothing particularly intelligent. While I have not much money, not many people I know have a huge safety-net-slash-back-up-plan. I do. I don't have much money but I don't think I will ever really be wanting of the stuff. I have significant non-liquid assets and zero debt. I've been spoilt rotten and done the classic Malaysian thing. Become complacent. Because I have such a big net I've taken it for granted instead of taking advantage and working off it.

How did it get like that?

I tried the taking advantage and working off it thing twice. The first time was when I quit my steady and safe job. Basically it was steady and safe but it paid peanuts and demanded blood in return. Personally I thought it was thankless and a dead end. There was no reward for resourcefulness, responsibility, leadership, improvisation and dedication which I will boldly declare I had (past tense because I have no idea now) in spades. The new job didn't work out. Basically we were small potatoes who got fucked over by the big boys. Everytime you see an LCD or a plasma TV doing ads in public places like the train stations and malls, remember that it wasn't exactly an original idea.

The second time, I took a business gamble and threw myself into it. I worked myself in to the ground. Despite that, I lost big time and lost it all. Including my self esteem, self respect and temporarily, my sanity. I had the biggest breakdown of my life then. I suppose the money wasn't really the most important thing. I was tired, unhappy, in despair and totally defeated. I did have a really lovely girlfriend (yeah Kev, her) who loved me anyway. What did I do? Pushed her away is what. Self esteem was at an all time low. Picking up the pieces was very very hard. I did have help. Nicolle asked me to get up. Barbsie picked me up and walked with me the rest of the way. Lydia and Luke carried me when I was tired. My family provided the sunshine to walk in.

Go to the crazee.ca.usa shop on the first floor in KL Plaza. Have a look. I died there.

Since then I have impressed but failed to take the opportunities. All for the sake of misplaced loyalty. So here I am now. Still aimless without much options.

How did it get like that?

I have to take quite a lot of responsibility for that myself actually. I had seriously thought of taking a job with a posh coffee, cake, chocolates (I forget the proper term) eatery in the new Petronas Hospital. A friend's (I cannot name her and you'll see why soon) new company is setting it up and will run it. What have I got to show? Not much actually. While I have no doubt I will be highly recommended and I have a great deal of belief in my abilities, I have absolutely nothing concrete to show on my CV. The company employed amongst its staff what is basically a useless twat who surfs gay porn in the office all while being a useless cunt. He has a Masters degree though. My buddy's relief was evident when he decided to quit recently. You know what? He'd gotten a better offer elsewhere. Tsk.

What can a person do, when one is ashamed of oneself? I still dream (nightmares, more accurately) occasionally of failing subjects in university, missing assignment dates, disappointed parents and family and the like. I hate those dreams. They hurt. Bad. My friends during uni days were clubbing, partying excessively, drinking heavily and taking drugs. I didn't. I was mostly at home but in the end, they still did better in uni than I did. Sad isn't it?

I know many of my readers are young and many of you are still students as well. Studying isn't difficult. A Masters for yourself isn't that hard. Mastering yourself is.

Your life starts now. Fucking do it right, okay?